I’m not really a big zoo guy. They smell weird and, if we’re being honest, the animals never do anything cool. Those big cats? They sleep like 20 hours a day. I fuck with aquariums, but not zoos.
Did you know zoos had investors? I wasn’t aware zoos were big business ventures, but turns out they’ve got financiers. And a group of Chinese zoo investors got in quite the hullabaloo with their zoo and went absolutely bonkers. The craziness culminating in them stealing a donkey and sending that poor bastard straight into the tiger pit.
Zoo officials said in a statement released on the Chinese microblogging site Sina Weibo that investors in the zoo threw the donkey into the tigers’ enclosure after becoming frustrated over a dispute between the zoo and another company that led to the freezing of the zoo’s assets, the BBC reported.
The investors responsible for the feeding frenzy reportedly attempted to take the donkey and other zoo animals out of the zoo in order to sell them, but security stopped them, according to the South China Morning Post. So the investors shoved the donkey into the tigers’ moat instead, the news outlet reports.
There’s a lot to dissect here. Freezing of the zoo’s assets? Do zoos have freezable assets besides the actual animals? If you told me a zoo had their assets frozen, I would hundo p have assumed the animals were all just sent to a Siberian Gulag in a scene straight out of Ice Age. Bug-eyed lemurs with icicles dripping out of their nose. It’s wild that zoos have enough liquid capital for something to actually be frozen.
And how about zoos being such big business in China that there are investors and third party disputes? What could they have been disputing? Arguing over cotton candy price hikes?
I have to hand it to these investors, though. I high key love the idea of stealing and selling off the donkey. Like, it’s enough of a power move to show the zoo they’re not fucking around, but at the end of the day it’s just the donkey. Nobody is coming to the zoo to see the donkey. The donkey does not put asses in the seats. It’s almost worth more to the investors for the donkey to be sold at the Chinese flea market than it is for it to be taking up space in the zoo. So might as while just steal the donkey and try to make a quick Renminbi. And when you get caught by security? Fuck it — Boston Tea Party that donkey right into the tiger moat. Respect.
Anyway, I know you just came here for the video of the tigers mauling that poor donkey. Here it is.
Image via Shutterstock