Chicks Love Elevated Surfaces

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I believe it was Socrates who once said “bitches love elevated surfaces,” but I can’t find a source for that. The man was right. If there’s one thing these sorority girls love more than not coming home with me, it’s standing on a platform of some kind and hoping they don’t fall off. Which they inevitably will do.

Drunk girls need elevated surfaces to feel important, to stand out. Who’s going to see them in a flock of forty dudes after they obviously spent three hours doing their makeup just to have it wash away when they cry over spilled pizza? Whether it be heels, stages, tables, or keg-stands, girls just wanna have fun.

Through my research into why this might be the case, I’ve concluded that there are two very specific types of girls who are magnetically drawn to party above the rest of us, and they couldn’t be more polar opposite.

“Leave Me Alone” Girls

They just walked into the party 10 minutes ago and have already gotten borderline sexually harassed enough times to call it quits on the male species for the night, so they meet up with their other hot friends to hop up on the stage and ignore everyone around them.

They’re probably not dancing because they’re too cool for that, but they’re also not really drinking or socializing either so you’re not even sure why these girls are here at this point. You’ve already lost your chance to approach from your now low ground position of inferiority, so you’ll just gaze across the room every few minutes telling yourself your time will come.

Regardless, she’ll make a beeline for the door soon enough, killing your dreams, and making way for round two of stage clinging girls in the process.

“Look at Me” Girls

As the party gets into full swing and reaches the ’90s bangers section of the playlist, these girls will quickly make their way to the elevated surface that has been graciously vacated by every girl at the party you actually cared about. These girls need the stage, because face it, the night probably didn’t go their way.

They’ve already drowned their sorrows in jungle juice and regained the confidence to go dance like Carlton in front of the whole party, like a female peacock desperately craving attention as the males realize that mating season is probably over. The stage makes these girls feel important, and that’s really all they want in life is validation.

Speaking of validation, there’s technically a third class of girls who love elevated surfaces: girls with daddy issues. But they’re called strippers and that’s for another day.

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