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Before you continue on reading, I want you to pause and take a good, long, close look at those Hindenburgs up there. Admire them. Study them. Get to know them. When you think you’ve looked long and closely enough, I want you to add on another five to seven seconds of looking. Really take them in.
I realize you can’t see her face or any other identifiable features, but those sweater cutters belong to Kate Upton. They’re real, and they’re spectacular.
Now I want you to imagine those warlocks pushed up in a tight prom dress, parading around a bunch of high school kids and making their way across a dance floor filled with 17 and 18-year-old hard-peckered, pervy little bastards. You know, they’re not all gentlemen like young Jake Davidson, Upton’s possible prom date.
We’re talking about major disaster potential. It would be akin to wearing a raw meat suit and walking through a pack of rabid, starving hyenas. It’s just not a good situation to be in.
I’m also not even sure those things pass fire code. Now, I’m not positive, and I’m currently on hold with the local fire marshal for confirmation, but if that prom venue is set ablaze, these chest hammers could prove to be a fatal distraction. Run for your life, or get one last peek at Upton’s howitzers before possibly being burned to death? It’s not exactly a slam dunk decision, especially for a nerdy 17-year-old with only a couple handies under his belt.
I believe Kate, or at least her publicist, now understands the potential danger looming here, and she is responding by backpedaling a bit on her previous commitment.
“I’m not sure if I’ll be able to go with him or not, due to my schedule,” she says. “I want to, but I just don’t know if I can make it work. But I really appreciated being asked; it made me feel really great!”
You were crazy for ever thinking she was attending this prom. She’s just a sweet girl is all, but a sweet girl who, due to her fame, understands it’s now difficult to mix it up with commoners.
Tough titties, Jake. You don’t get to nuzzle up to these USDA beefers, but at least you’re semi-famous now. The good news is that now your chances of a mid-prom bathroom tug just went up exponentially. Obviously, Kate wasn’t going to give you any action past an arm-length courtesy dance.
It’s also possible that Upton is crawfishing after seeing that Jake made Fail Friday last week. That’s an affiliation no one wants a part of — a real life ruiner.
Image via Sports Illustrated