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Cheating Man Leaves Bar With Hot Blonde, Wakes Up To Find She Stole His Testicles

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Cheating Man Leaves Bar With Hot Blonde, Wakes Up To Find She Stole His Testicles

At some point in our lives, we’ve all been robbed of our manhood by an attractive woman.

Take Becca, for instance. You promise yourself and your brothers that things won’t change when you start to get serious with Becca, that you’ll still have plenty of time to get drunk as piss in the middle of the day and scream at each other over a heated game of FIFA. But Becca thinks drinking and video games are a waste of time. She’d rather you spend the day going hiking or shopping at Whole Foods or some shit. “Fuck that,” you say. “If you think I’m having sex with you ever again, you’re sorely mistaken,” she replies. What are you to do? On one hand, you’ve got your boys, who now make whip-cracking sounds every time you check your phone. On the other hand, you’ve got your dick, and you can’t help but think Becca’s vagina felt 10 times better. So, you sacrifice some bro time for the nookie, effectively surrendering your manhood along with it.

Unfortunately for one man in Russia, a woman took his manhood in a far more literal sense of the phrase.

Dmitry Nikolaev, a 30-year-old Russian TV actor, was approached by a “young blonde woman” at a bar. She came onto him really hard, and when she invited him to leave with her and go to a sauna, he accepted — despite being married.

It is not certain whether Nikolaev drained his balls with the help of the mysterious blonde homewrecker, but if he did, it was for the last time. He awoke to find a bloody crotch and a surgically precise incision running along his flat, empty scrotum.

From the Daily Mail:

Police in Russia are tracking a gang – apparently including a doctor – who drugged a TV soap actor and removed his testicles. Dmitry Nikolaev, 30, had a drink with a ‘young blonde woman’ who approached him at a bar after he finished a performance at a small Moscow theatre. Flirting with him, she invited him to a sauna, and though he was married, he agreed to go with her. ‘They kissed and had some more beer and after that the actor remembers nothing,’ said a police source. He woke up next day at a bus stop, feeling acute pain, and with blood on his trousers. Rushed to hospital, he was told that his testicles had been removed and that ‘it was done like proper surgery by someone with a medical education’.

I don’t know for certain what happens to a man’s balls on the black market, but it’s safe to assume that Nikolaev’s family jewels are currently being stapled to a tranny’s gooch.

I also don’t know what led Nikolaev to cheat on his wife. Maybe he was sick of watching her compare soy-based frozen waffles at Whole Foods while he stood behind her with the cart. Or, maybe it was out of spite for when she turned off the Xbox just as he was about to take Ronaldo up the middle and close the deficit (Goddammit, Becca).

Regardless, you can’t feel too bad for an unfaithful man. Monogamy takes balls.

[via Daily Mail]

Image via Life News

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Alex Buscemi

AKA Boosh. Former high school back-up wide receiver. Author of two pretty successful Reddit comments. Recent grad from the University of South Carolina.

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