Chapman Lacrosse Players Arrested After Raging With Petting Zoo Turkey They Allegedly Abducted

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Meet “Tim,” the American heritage slate turkey who punches the clock — day in and day out — at an Orange County high school petting zoo.

That’s a broken bird if I’ve ever seen one. There’s just no question that life hasn’t panned out the way he originally envisioned for himself as a young poult. While the rest of his childhood friends are out taking flight and exploring the world, he’s become a joke, all cooped up in a pen with shithead teenagers relentlessly tugging away at his gobbler neck like it’s their own foreskin during the 30-minute home alone window before Mom and Dad get back from work.

Tim’s battle with clinical depression is ongoing, stemming from both his gig and his failure to live up to the unrealistic expectations set by his parents of being the first family member to be pardoned by the White House. He needed to let loose, break away from the crushing monotony of his everyday existence, and suppress the paralyzing acceptance that this is all he’ll ever be. That had all the makings for a wild night and a recipe for disaster combined with a few boozed up Chapman lacrosse players.

From KTLA:

Two Chapman University lacrosse players have been arrested after the disappearance of a turkey from Orange High School’s agricultural area prompted an animal cruelty investigation, police said Tuesday.

Steven Thomas Koressel, 23, and Richard Brenton Melbye, 21, were arrested and booked into Orange County jail, according to police and inmate records.

“Tim,” an American heritage Slate turkey, was found with his feathers missing or cut off, police said. Photos of the bird taken by an Orange County Register photographer showed him missing most of his tail feathers.

A school official told KTLA the turkey smelled of beer.

He had trouble breathing, along with multiple other injuries, the Register reported. He was being treated at a vet hospital Tuesday.

Sounds like Tim couldn’t hang.

We’ve all been there. You wake up the next morning all beat up, bruised, and bent out of shape with no recollection of what happened. Tim, just get some fluids in you, maybe some greasy food, and spend the whole day sleeping. You’ll be good as new in about 12-48 hours.

[via KTLA]

Image via KTLA

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Dan Regester

Dan Regester @Dan_Regester is a Senior Writer, Podcast Host, and Video Guy for Grandex Media. He's Delco trash to the core and a UCF cinema studies graduate because he never got around to applying to an actual film school. Dan is a gambling man, crypto investor, and procrastinator. He enjoys long walks to the water fountain between bench press sets and is not a fan of the homeless, the elderly, or the Phoenix Airport. Email tips to

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