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Central Missouri Students Kicked Out Of Fraternity Complex For “Suspicious” Material

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I’m gonna start off here by explaining what the “fraternity complex “ at the University of Central Missouri is, because the existence of such a thing baffles me.

From UCMO Housing:

The Fraternity Complex was built in 1964 and has capability of housing eight chapters in the facility. The building is a specially designed octogan-shaped [sic] building that is split into eight different “units”, which provides each chapter with a private entrance. Each unit is uniquely decorated by each chapter and offers three floors with the main floor having a chapter room, a lounge, and many chapters have made space into a game room or study room.

This college has eight fraternities living in the same building. Shared walls and everything. Pair that with the fact that the building is in the shape of an octagon (or “octogan,” as they apparently spell it in central Missouri), and it’s like the university is asking for these guys to fight each other 24/7.

It’s just a horrible arrangement any way you look at it. Can you imagine the shame you’d feel laying in bed after you struck out at the bars, wanting nothing more than the quiet regress of slumber, only to be kept awake by the rhythmic “BANG! BANG! BANG!” of a headboard slapping against your wall as that loser in your rival fraternity rounds third for home base? It’s not for me, man. I’m not about that complex life.

Shit’s bound to go down in the ‘gon, which might explain why shit’s going down as we speak.

From KSHB:

More than a hundred students returning to the University of Central Missouri’s fraternity complex were told they can’t live there after custodians found potentially hazardous material inside the building.

Jeff Murphy, a spokesperson for the university, says custodians found “suspicious” material in the housing unit earlier this week.

Staff at the university closed the building that day and hired an off-campus company to take air samples.

My news piece was originally going to end here, after I wowed you with a little bit more hilarious commentary, of course, and maybe a disgusting joke or two about a cucumber turning into a pickle after it gets inserted into a less-than-favorable location for the cuke. We’ll never know now, because the news piece was updated after I started writing this, and we now know the identity of the “suspicious” material.

After the company hired by the university examined their air samples, they found what is probably the least suspicious material I could ever imagine for a building built over 50 years ago: mold.

Assistant Director of University Relations Jeff Murphy said a private firm conducted an air quality test in the fraternity dorm complex and found elevated levels of mold, but did not find any black mold.

He said the cleanup and removal process is underway.

The university is now working to find temporary housing for the students who had planned to live in the affected building this coming fall.

If you’re disappointed in this finding, just think about me here. I was ready to go on a tirade, spouting out a list of some potential hazardous materials they’d find that would’ve had you guys rolling. Now I’m stuck here at work on a Friday trying to think of funny mold jokes. Ugh. It’s tough when the content of an article limits my ability to be a fungi, but at the very yeast I hope you guys appreciate my spore attempt at humor.

Don’t worry, though, affected University of Central Missouri students. It sounds like your home is already on the pathogen to being mold-free.

[via KSHB]

Image via KSHB

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Jared Borislow

Jared Borislow (né The DeVry Guy) is a Senior Writer for Grandex Inc and a 2015 graduate of the University of Wisconsin.

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