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I think it’s important to have a new year’s resolution. Sure, there’s probably a 110% chance you’ll break it within 15 minutes, but still. It’s healthy and proactive to set goals for yourself. Personally, my new year’s resolution is stop writing so many shitty articles. But don’t worry: I know there’s a 210% chance i’ll break it within 15 seconds.
As you all know, I am a wise love guru with a large foundation of information flowing from my body (that’s how I word it, at least; either way, it’s permanent and I think I got it from this redhead girl in New Jersey). I’m an expert at expertly giving advice to celebrities with my expert-like expertly expertise. I’m like the Dr. Drew of TFM.
With all that being said, here are my pieces of advice for some celebrities on what their new year’s resolutions should be for this upcoming year.
Get over your ex already! You’ve been talking about her for years and you’re like a zillionaire. Nicki Minaj is single, go fuck her!
Go fuck Drake. He needs it.
Take the same advice I just gave to Drake, except instead of the “fuck Nicki Minaj” part… Wait…. On second thought, do everything I told Drake to do. And please videotape it.
Stop trying so hard to be “relatable.” We get it, you’re a normal person! You’re sooo down to earth! You fall sometimes, and you like pizza! Congrats! Also, stop talking about how fat you are — you look like a toothpick with tits.
To avoid causing any more controversy, hire an assistant to superglue your mouth shut.
Stop being so humble! Let yourself be a little more confident; you beat yourself up too much.
You’ve GOTTA change that haircut, dude. You’re about to be the President for fuck’s sake.
I’ll emails yours to you.
Now that you and Brad Pitt are divorced, have a threesome with Taylor Swift and Nicki Minaj.
Videotape your ex-wife having a threesome with Taylor Swift and Nicki Minaj as you are part of some sort of weird cuckold situation.
Make some extra cash and start selling real estate on your forehead.
Make the Kardashians disappear.
Be in less than 900 movies this year. I feel like you don’t sleep.
I know you’re not a celebrity (far from it), but have someone break all your fingers so you can’t write your terrible articles anymore. Then go play in traffic and promptly eat an AIDS burger.
Learn how to read this article.
Get robbed at gunpoint for real to make it up to us.
For starters, have that picture of you shirtless on a horse completely erased from the internet. I don’t know, how but you can probably do it. That shit is embarrassing..
Image via Shutterstock