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Can You Handle Malt Liquor?

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Occasionally in life, you’ll reach a really dark place. Sometimes when you get to this dark place, you have to buy alcohol and you’re really poor. Other times, this dark place occurs because you’ve almost hit rock bottom and you just need that little something to finish you off. In either of these situations, malt liquor might be the endpoint of your night.


You really shouldn’t need a warning for this. It comes in a bottle shaped like a grenade. There has never been a single thing invented that was good for you in the shape of a grenade (Hand Grenades on Bourbon Street are the exception). A fun fact about Mickey’s is that when soldiers run out of actual grenades, they start using Mickey’s, which causes the terrorists to run away faster than you can say, “derka derka Mohammed Jihad.”

Colt 45

As the great poet of our society, Afroman, once said, “Said Colt 45 and two zigzags, baby that’s all we need.” If Afroman is the main person who is touting your drink, you probably should avoid it. You need a lot more than two zigzags to enjoy Colt 45, which will make you end up feeling like you’re on the wrong end of an actual Colt .45.

King Cobra

I’ve heard this drink described as “The Venerable King Snake,” and to this day, I’m still not really sure that person even knew what venerable means. I’m also not really sure what the makers of this were thinking, but this tastes like what I’d expect two king cobras having sex would taste like. If you’re drinking this, you’re probably a hobo and imagining two king cobras having sex is probably the closest thing you’re going to get to porn.

Olde English High Gravity

This stuff tastes like the alcohol sweats from a hobo who just got done drinking King Cobra. The only redeeming quality to this is that you can get a 4-pack of tall boys for $2. Even with the higher alcohol content and a price tag that makes it seem like they’re giving it away, the taste makes you understand why it’s so cheap. The only redeeming quality is that it gets the job done. However, if you drink enough of them you might become an actual hobo.


Anytime you’re drinking out of something that shares the name of a condom, you know you’ve hit rock bottom. I’ve had the pleasure of never drinking this before, but I’ve heard it’s the closest thing you can have to an out-of-body experience. Not the good kind of out-of-body experience either, where you learn something about yourself and become a better person. This kind of out-of-body experience is an absolute shit storm. As in, you’re watching yourself hitting rock bottom while being hit by a torrential downpour of actual shit.

Of course, there are many other types of malt liquor. All malt liquor is absolutely terrible, but at least it’s cheap. If it comes down to drinking any of these, hopefully you’ll be able to return to the world of actual liquor and not feel like a complete bag of dicks.

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Is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move. Spends his spare time drinking Smirnoff Ices on the rocks, while listening to mixed CDs of Nickelback, Creed, and Lifehouse.

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