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Campus PD: Almost Average

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I’m sick of hearing all local law enforcement officers referred to as heroes in the same breath with soldiers risking their lives overseas. I’m sure there are some officers out there who really are protecting and serving, but none those guys are working for a university police department. Becoming a police officer has always been the go to career path for every C student with an unfulfilled superiority complex. I’m sorry you fucked up in your youth and desperately want people to respect you, officer. The reality is everyone hates you because your only real job is traffic control and ruining the evenings of underage kids everywhere.

The demographics on college campuses just don’t lend themselves to actual crime. The worst criminal on campus is probably some kid selling grams out of his dorm room.

I have to very clearly clarify that my hatred is strictly towards campus police. Officers who have to patrol the streets of urban warzones like Detroit and East St. Louis are actually serving a noble purpose. But campus PD officers? Fuck no. Did they really go to the academy with the dream of directing pedestrian traffic and chasing bicycle thieves in a town like College Station? Probably not. Campus PD is really the worst case scenario for a life in law enforcement. I take that back. Mall cop would be worse, but only slightly. At least mall cops have admitted defeat. They are content protecting department stores from the heinous crime of petty shoplifting. Campus PD should take note. They should accept the fact that their job is essentially babysitting college students until we leave in 4 years and promptly make more money than their sergeant.

The career progression for a campus officer is quite impressive. Start out as a bike cop. Get promoted to traffic cop. Get promoted to Director of Bike Theft Task Force. Twenty years of mediocrity and long nights crying yourself to sleep later and you’re Chief! GOOD JOB BRO! Being the Chief of Campus Police is like having a building at a community college named after you. You’ve reached the peak of your professional career but ultimately you still end up just short of relevance.

It’s a depressing life, but there’s no need to take it out us. They take themselves a little too seriously. Do you really need to arrest someone for being drunk in public? Public is fucking everywhere! It’s kind of hard to not be drunk in public. Every time I see someone pulled out of a bar for drinking underage it’s hard to believe that there isn’t a better way for that officer to be allocating his time. They get paid $30.00/hr to drive around and ruin as many evenings as possible. They are motivated by the same thing that drives tow truck drivers, meter maids, postal workers, and every other professional peddler of aggravation. They literally subsist on sucking the joy from others to fill the infinite pit of despair that is their soul.

In conclusion… FUCK THE (campus) POLICE.

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