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Bringing Your Girlfriend To Spring Break Is Bad News

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We all have that one buddy that is totally at the mercy of his manipulative girlfriend. She tells him the what they’re doing, when they’re doing it, and where he has to be like a loyal dog following his owner’s commands. Despite the best efforts of his boys attempting to turn the tide, his girl somehow manages to get involved in every single aspect of this dude’s life. So of course it’s no surprise when she wants to be in the mix for spring break.

Anyone that has been through the fire of 5-7 days of nonstop drinking in a tropical land knows how this goes down. It’s random, it’s sloppy, and it’s just not a conducive environment to have the ol’ ball and chain pulling you down. Spring break may even be the origin of the phrase “what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.”

But it’s 2018, and I’m a progressive guy. I don’t expect you ladies to just sit at home and wait for your drunken sailor to stumble back ashore. Go off on your own spring break. Have your own belligerent fun. What we don’t know won’t hurt us either. I promise that if you let him unwind a bit, he might just come back more obedient than ever.

Definitely don’t bring him on a trip that is made up exclusively of your friends. That sounds like a living nightmare and leaves nobody in his corner. Throw in alcohol, and it is so clear how that scenario is going to end. The first time he’s caught snagging a glimpse of a nice pair of honkers or “blacks out” and makes out with the wrong coed, we have the makings of a potential 48 Hours episode. Murder in South Padre.

Now, if you’ve made the mistake of being with each other during this time, there’s really nothing we can do for you other than pray. The minute you made the decision to step on that plane together, your relationship started living on borrowed time. I wish I had some wise resolution I could present, but I’ve got nothing. I’m sorry. This was just a really big bonehead play by you two. To quote the great American poet Robert Frost, “oh shucks, oh shucks, oh y’all are totally fucked.” Godspeed.

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Dent is a washed up former athlete who swears he's totally over his ex-girlfriend. One of these days he'll get around to applying to a real job, but until then he'll keep pumping out lackluster articles while downing copious amounts of Natty Light.

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