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Brendan Dassey Gets Aquitted, Judge Probably Watched “Making A Murderer”

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Making A Murderer Fans, it’s time for a celebratory shot in the name of justice.

Regardless of what you believe about Steven Avery, after binging Making A Murderer on Netflix last year, it was painfully obvious that Brendan Dassey was innocent. The kid’s got an IQ hovering just around the federally recognized level for being mentally handicapped. He’s no more capable of resisting two seasoned investigators than your pledges are at not cracking under a lineup.

After serving 11 years into a 41-year sentence, Dassey finally has a chance at freedom. A federal judge who obviously watched Making A Murderer too and got the same “what the actual fuck” reaction the rest of us had has ruled Dassey’s conviction un-Constitutional.

From Milwaukee Journal Sentinel:

In his 91-page decision, U.S. Magistrate Judge William Duffin was highly critical of investigators, Dassey’s pretrial attorney and the state courts on how they handled the case, concluding that Dassey’s constitutional rights were violated. He found that the prosecutor’s investigators made false promises to Dassey during multiple interrogations.

No shit Duffin. The fact that it took this long is proof that our legal system is ridiculously broken. One of my brothers said it best when he pointed this out during a group Netflix binge in our basement movie room:

“If a dozen drunken frat guys yelling at a projector screen can make a better legal decision than a bunch of lawyers, cops, and jurors, then we’re all fucked.”

It’s important to remember that Dassey isn’t home free yet. The ruling gives the state 90 days to appeal, and they probably will. Wisconsin, from the bottom of my heart, with my deepest vodka-fueled sincerity, give it a fucking rest. Let Dassey go.

As for the rest of you, do another victory shot. You gotta celebrate the small ones.

[via Milwaukee Journal Sentinel]

Image via YouTube

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Doctor Franzia

*Not qualified to practice medicine*

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