BREAKING: Jägermeister Has Been Found On Mercury

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Following their press release this morning where it was announced that liquid water has been found on Mars, NASA has just announced that Jägermeister, a popular German digestif, has been found on the surface of Mercury.

This recent discovery silences members of the space community who have said for years that Mars is the ideal location for earth’s first interplanetary colony.

“This really throws a wrench in things,” NASA’s Director of Interplanetary Affairs Mark Andrews said. “Mars makes the most sense as a colony location due to its safe distance from the sun and the fact that it is closest atmospherically to our home planet. But now that we know that it’s a dry planet, we’re going to have to reevaluate. I mean, c’mon – water? Fuckin’ pussy-ass planet.”

While samples taken by NASA’s COMMHORE-1 rover proved the existence of the delicious licorice-y substance on Mercury’s surface late last week, NASA sat on the information because they had not yet ruled out the possibility of a false positive.

“The rover we used is actually a repurposed sex robot, so there was a chance the reading could have been thrown off if something had been spilled into one of the auxiliary ports before the refurbishment,” Andrews said. “That’s not a joke, by the way. The robot’s out of Japan and was originally called ‘CUMWHORE.’ We just filled in the top of the ‘U,’ flipped the ‘W’ upside down, and added a number to the end to make it sound cool.”

After a series of tests, it was determined that the Jäger was from just where the scientists had hoped: Mercury’s surface.

NASA is now referring to Mercury as “the cool planet,” and has promised the country that Americans will step foot on the first rock from the sun by 2035.

Critics of NASA’s proposed trip to Mercury are saying that “the cool planet” is a pretty apt nickname for Mercury, considering the planet’s surface reaches temperatures of around -280 degrees Fahrenheit at night, temperatures which could be fatal to colonizers.

NASA quickly responded to this criticism by stating that “Jägermeister is best served chilled anyway.”

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Jared Borislow

Jared Borislow (né The DeVry Guy) is a Senior Writer for Grandex Inc and a 2015 graduate of the University of Wisconsin.

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