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Breaking Down The Worst Places For Small Talk

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5. In an Elevator

There is a very logical reason for elevator music. It is there as filler to keep a little noise rolling so that you don’t need to speak. That’s why it was invented; so you can just ascend in peace. I find myself praying for an empty elevator every time those doors fly open. Might even wait until the next round just to get a ride to myself. That’s how much I hate riding with a complete stranger. The most you will get from me is a polite head-nod acknowledging your existence and that’s it. What would possess anyone to try to interact anymore past that is beyond me. We are already in a tiny box, is that not intimate enough for you?

4. Waiting Rooms (All Genres)

Doesn’t matter what the occasion is, if there is a waiting room, I do not want to be there. Moreover, I certainly do not want to interact with anyone else. Might even pull a maneuver where I show up late just to avoid waiting room awkwardness. Not sure what would possess someone to audition icebreakers in a stuffy office space but it makes me fantasize about murder more than I should. The only subject that might pass for okay would be a conversation about how the people around me are equally as miserable as I am.

3. While Getting a Haircut

This is one that kills me. I procrastinate for as long as possible between cuts just to avoid this cringeworthy endeavor. I prefer to get my hair done at a certain sports-themed establishment where they say guys are allowed to be guys. But for some reason they break the first rule of being a guy. Guys do not want to be nagged with annoying ass questions from a chick ever. Especially not while doing chores. Getting a haircut is a chore. So please just hop off. You don’t need to talk to me. I will tip you so much more if you just keep to yourself, do your job, and keep it moving.

2. In an Uber

Uber drivers are brutal. Same principal as the haircut. There is this weird myth that being overtly nice will get a higher tip. WRONG. Getting me from point A to point B without endangering my life is the only criteria I grade on. I’ll put up with a quick introduction because that’s cordial and shit but that’s it. Plus I only use Ubers when I’m drunk. Usually I’m not high functioning enough to give you much more anyways.

A story came out recently about an NFL player who took an Uber all the way from Chicago to Buffalo, 9 hours total.That shit gave me nightmares. Ten minutes in a car with a stranger is plenty enough. Not to stereotype but any Uber driver who can casually drop everything and cross multiple interstate lines for your is sketchy as fuck.

1. Getting Your Teeth Cleaned

Dentists go to school for like 6 years right? At any point in that training, do they once talk about etiquette? Like hey maybe don’t try to have a conversation with a patient while you’re fucking their throat with your utensils. That is the biggest annoyance of all time. Every single visit, without fail, this bitch will ask me a question then proceed to shove shit down my mouth. How the fuck am I supposed to speak? Then I do speak because I feel rude if I don’t and not only is it laborious but I could not lack any more grace. Just one time I would appreciate if the dentist could have a little fucking feel.

Image via Shutterstock

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Dent

Washed Up Former Athlete. Totally over my ex-girlfriend. I hold the distinct honor of being the only player in my school's history to receive a football scholarship without being able to bench 225 lbs.

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