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Breaking Down My Most Recent Pregnancy Scare

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Things happen in college that you would really rather not have your parents find out about. Pregnancy scares are one of those things. So, Mom, if you’re reading this, please just stop now.

So anyway, I tend to play it pretty fast and loose when it comes to the condom game. Basically, I treat my condoms the same way I treat wearing a seat belt on an airplane. Like yeah it is highly advised but is it really going to save you? If a girl wants you to put a baby in her, she’ll find a way.

To be real, if you haven’t experienced at least a little bit of a pregnancy scare in college, have you gone to college at all? Shit happens sometimes. Nobody is immune to it unless of course you’re a total fucking nerd. In that case, keep cuddling up in your dorm room bed, shooting your seed on that Lord of the Rings poster on the wall, and praying for better days.

My most recent encounter had me more rattled than most. This is how it went down.

Monday Morning. 8:00 a.m. I wake up to a phone call from my most recent hookup. I immediately hit ignore. Anyone who knows me knows that this phone will not be reached till noon. Then I notice my text messages. They read as follows:

6:59 a.m.
I’m freaking out! I didn’t get my period this morning!

This chick is freaking out day one of no period? I have gone A LOT further in this process with other girls. Call me when you’re going on day 14 and starting to save your spare pennies.

7:15 a.m.
I just talked with my mom! Freaking outtt! Going to the doctors later!

Okay, why the fuck are we bringing Mom into this? There goes any chance you ever had of the two of us ever getting together. Like how do I introduce myself to the parents after that? “Hi, dinner looks lovely, also I’m the dude that almost impregnated your precious daughter.” No thanks.

7:17 a.m.
My god! Did you cum inside me??!!!

Of course not. That ain’t your boy’s style. I pull out faster than the narc cop that likes to camp behind a tree and get me for going five over. We’re in the clear, babe. Now let me get back to sleep.

But this girl was really confident that she was pregnant. And the more I assured her she was being dramatic, the more she assured me I was mistaken. To be honest, she had me shook. For the first time in a long time, my confidence in my pull out game was tested. Can girls tell when they are pregnant? Is the addition of another human being an energy they can feel right away? Now I was nervous.

When Nervous Nelly went to get her day one pregnancy test, I was feeling sick. Picture me headfirst in porcelain puking away the minutes to a phone call that could change my life. Just when I was about to go insane, the phone rang. I took one last upchuck and answered.

Before I could say a word, I hear this: “Relax, your life isn’t ruined.” The verdict was not pregnant…for now.

What a jovial moment. Fuck cocaine; beating a pregnancy scare is my drug of choice.

I learned a lot from this particular experience, but one thing stuck out. My one major takeaway was this: Pre-cum is a myth. Well, not so much a myth. I mean I know it’s real but I don’t think it can get you pregnant. You need a full load of millions of shooters just to slip one by the goalkeeper. So if pre-cum only has a small percentage of those million, doesn’t that make it a statistical anomaly to score?

I am fine taking those odds. Going back to the plane example. Airplanes have been known to crash sometimes. You could technically die any time you step on one. But that’s not stopping me from hopping a flight to Vegas for a weekend with the boys because I know the risk is fairly low. Basically the same thing.

So, in summary, prego scares are college af, and girls need to stop freaking out every two seconds. Also, pre-cum babies are as common as plane crashes.

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Dent is a washed up former athlete who swears he's totally over his ex-girlfriend. One of these days he'll get around to applying to a real job, but until then he'll keep pumping out lackluster articles while downing copious amounts of Natty Light.

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