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19 Signs It’s Time To End Things With Your Girlfriend

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1. You find yourself flirting with service workers, teachers assistants, marginally attractive acquaintances, and multiple women at the gym. All of these being completely without prompting, and in totally inappropriate settings.

2. You look forward to her sorority’s mixer/party/pre-game with a rival fraternity, giving you, in your mind at least, an excuse to push the limits of general decency that night.

3. After denying for months her insecurity-prompted “should I get a boob job?” inquiries, you finally say, “Yeah, it would look good I think.” In reality, you realize she’s going to get them at some point, and would hate for another guy to be the first to enjoy the fun bags you patiently waited for.

4. You’ve started actively losing your relationship comfort weight, knowing, possibly subconsciously, that you’re hoping women other than your significant other notice.

5. You’ve started openly telling her exactly what your think of her friends, parents, and/or siblings. After spending the bulk of your relationship describing her sister as “misunderstood,” your latest explanation of her behavior consists of “anorexic cum guzzler.” Honesty.

6. Several of the endless Nicholas Sparks books have been adapted to the screen, both in theaters and on demand, and you have refused to see all of them despite her pleas. For all you know, the one with Miley Cyrus remains the latest in the successive releases of cliche-ridden trash.

7. You convinced her to see Suicide Squad and openly made it known that evening’s sex would consist of you fantasizing about Margot Robbie.

8. On movie night, you sincerely try to convince her the 30 for 30 on The U is something she would love. You, of course, know she would not.

9. You’re masturbating more than during your single days, with a noticeable decline in your sexual appetite and money shot explosions. You blame dehydration, which, in a way, is not really a lie.

10. You’ve put a condom back in your wallet, not because she wants you to use one, but because you sincerely have no idea where a substance-filled night will take you.

11. As you’re nearing senior year and she starts to panic, her discussion of future plans and not-so-subtle hints that some of her friends have gotten engaged has your stomach performing parkour throughout your bowels.

12. Women rated above a 6.5 have all heard essentially the same explanation of your clearly ongoing relationship as of late: “Yea, I mean, we hang out. But like, we’re about to graduate and we both know it’s not that serious.” In fairness, women above an eight have always heard this explanation.

13. You’ve started grooming your lawn like a Guatemalan groundskeeper, just on the off chance a new visitor ends up camped on your fairgrounds for the evening. Or in the bathroom of the local watering hole. Either way.

14. You had to cancel going apple picking because the Jaguars and the Colts played at 9 in the morning last Sunday. In fucking London.

15. Your girlfriend has given you outrageously inappropriate ultimatums regarding conduct that has no effect on her. For instance, “I am not dating someone who follows Total Frat Move on Snapchat.” “I’m not ok with you gambling.” “You’re not going to Vegas for Bobby’s bachelor party.” And the list goes on.

16. The sight of your girl’s ex no longer bothers you in the slightest. In fact, you’re tempted to solicit him taking her back long term.

17. You’ve not so subtly hinted at a three-way, though you know this will never happen. Undoubtedly this will result in a terrible fight, but your yearning for foreign females outweighs all rational understanding of consequence.

18. You lay awake at night contemplating what could possibly be found in the depths of her phone that would seriously humiliate and/or incriminate you. Really hoping the Halloween sombrero spinning parody got lost in the shuffle.

19. You’ve already acquired a backup plan. Trading snaps, generally innocent texts and/or Insta/Facebook messages, maybe a like or two both ways. The “I really cared about her, but couldn’t get you off my mind and didn’t think it was fair to lead her on” line drops panties faster than a Pap smear.

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Siblings of Mark Wahlberg

Sorry Mom & Dad. Follow me to prevent my suicide: @SiblingsOfTFM

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