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Braves Catcher Evan Gattis Breaks His Bat Over His Own Back During His Backswing, Goes On DL

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The Mets-Braves game that played late into last night was an interesting one. For starters, there was a three hour rain delay, during which the Mets entertained themselves by throwing sunflower seeds at a bucket, because apparently the flatscreen TVs, food, and the rest of the 5-star amenities in the Turner Field clubhouse weren’t good enough.

The game itself was pretty entertaining, as well. Tim Hudson and Dillon Gee each threw gems, and going into the bottom of the 9th inning Gee was working on a 1-0, complete game shutout. Not only was Gee pitching brilliantly, but he also had his team’s lone RBI. Unfortunately for the Mets pitcher, what was perhaps the game of a lifetime all came crashing down when Braves first baseman Freddie Freeman hit a walk-off, two-run homer.

During the postgame interview Freeman was asked what he was going to do for the rest of the night, as the Braves have a double-header today starting at 1:10 ET. Freeman admitted that he and several other players were simply crashing at Turner Field. SLEEPOVER! Be sure to tune in to game one of the Mets-Braves twin bill this afternoon to try and gauge just how hungover Freeman looks. There’s no way he and the other guys who spent the night in the clubhouse didn’t get absolutely shitfaced, not after a walk-off win like that.

All of that, however, is nothing compared to the true highlight of the evening, that being famed rail car hobo turned man-beast catcher/Rookie of the Year candidate Evan “El Oso Blanco” Gattis breaking his bat over his own back while swinging at a pitch.

I used to do a trick where I put a dime in a beer bottle and shook it around until the dime shot out, then I could smash the bottle over my head and the weakened glass would shatter without it hurting, but no one watching would be any the wiser, and assume I was really really cool and tough. That got me laid a lot, you guys. Gattis’ trick, shattering a maple bat over his own back, is way cooler. That would give a normal man spinal trouble for the rest of his life, but then again Gattis doesn’t have a normal spine, because I’m assuming he replaced his human spine years ago with some sort of metal cobra, or something, I don’t know. The guy is a badass, is what I’m trying to say.

Unfortunately, Gattis isn’t completely invincible, as he was placed on the 15-day disabled list after the game with a strained oblique. While the injury will probably inhibit his playing ability for a short time, Gattis should still be able to track down and kill mountain lions using only his bare hands without too much discomfort. He uses the meat for a chili. The other ingredients are eight pounds of ghost peppers, gasoline, and a dash of paprika. Evan Gattis is the only person this chili does not give agonizing, Oregon Trail-esque diarrhea. He’s Evan fucking Gattis.



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