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Brave Fraternity Man Refuses To Stand For Creed Until More Funds Allocated To Social Budget

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KNOXVILLE, TENNESSEE — As the brothers of Beta Sigma at the University of Tennessee rose to their feet to recite the fraternity creed during a chapter meeting on Monday night, one brave member remained seated.

Stephen John Wilkins, 19, says that he refuses to stand and honor a creed which supports a systemic disregard for the fraternity social budget.

“I am not going to stand up to show pride in a creed for a fraternity that oppresses people who rage,” Wilkins said. “To me, this is bigger than the fraternity and it would be selfish on my part to look the other way. The are no bodies on our dance floor and people are getting away with being boners.”

Wilkins, who has not paid his dues in over a semester, says that he will remain seated for all future creeds until at least $5,000 are reallocated to the social budget, which covers events such as mixers, tailgates, and formals.

“Just take it out of the philanthropy budget,” Wilkins says. “Why are we spending money on philanthropy in the first place? Isn’t the whole point to take other people’s money?”

The creed is a pledge to uphold the organization’s values, written and passed down from the founding fathers of the fraternity. It is traditionally recited by members at the beginning of chapter meetings and rituals.

Wilkins believes that the creed should be amended.

“It’s all this pussy shit about love and brotherhood and charity and blah blah blah,” Wilkins said while making a masturbation gesture with his right hand. “I’m just like, ‘gaayyyy.’ Where’s the part about getting fucked up? Where’s the part about finger-blasting hunnies on the dance floor?”

Wilkins adds that the minimal social budget has had a devastating impact on party attendance. He says that the Jungle Juice is often depleted by midnight, causing “bitties” to venture elsewhere for free alcohol, like the residence of “those faggy Betas across the street.”

“By not standing, I am standing up against this reckless miscarriage of justice,” Wilkins said, beaming with pride at how clever he believed he sounded.

According to Wilkins, the chapter is in dire need of new speakers as well. The music will often crackle and pop when raised to a significant volume, which has impeded upon his favorite fraternity pastime: “Grinding on pussy” to popular R&B artist R Kelly’s “Ignition Remix.”

“Smell this,” Wilkins said, thrusting his index and middle fingers in a reporter’s face. “It just smells like finger.” He diverted his gaze and wiped a tear from his eye. “It just smells like finger.”

When asked if his bold actions were inspired by 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick, who refused to stand during the national anthem in solidarity with Black Lives Matter, Wilkins said, “Wait… that dude’s black?”

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Alex Buscemi

AKA Boosh. Former high school back-up wide receiver. Author of two pretty successful Reddit comments. Recent grad from the University of South Carolina.

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