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Brad Paisley and LL Cool J’s New Song is Accidentally Retarded

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A new country/rap hybrid song released by Brad Paisley and LL Cool J has taken the web by storm. By following in Nelly’s presumably size 7 footsteps, Paisley and Cool J have successfully released one of the most accidentally retarded crossovers in the history of musical composition.

The song, entitled “Accidentally Racist,” begins modestly enough, as Paisley explains the wavering line between “Southern Pride” and “Southern Blame,” and by one minute in you’ll probably think, “Maybe the internet was wrong about this one, it isn’t so bad!” Then, all hell breaks loose.

I don’t know if it’s the wailing “I’m just a whiiiiiiite man,” chorus from Paisley or the unintentionally hilarious hype-man background quotes from LL Cool J, including but not limited to: “RIP Robert E Lee,” “If you don’t judge my gold chains, I’ll forget the iron chains,” and “The relationship between the Mason-Dixon needs some fixin.”

Has a Brad Paisley fan ever thought, “Man, I wish Brad had a song with LL Cool J? That would be so great.” How many Cool J enthusiasts out there hoped for their patron to make a half-assed commentary on racism with a country superstar?

The answer, again, is none. While I can sort of see what they were going for, and their intentions might have been pure, the simple fact of the matter is absolutely no one in the world wanted this song to exist.

The road to hell (and really crappy music) is paved with good intentions. Musicians in the world today hold an amazing amount of sway over their fans, and I’m sure there are plenty of ways to spur a discussion about the modern state of racism in America. All I’m saying is that a mediocre mashup combining a decade-past-his-prime rapper and a good but relatively fading country singer is not the way to do it. Ever.

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StuffFratPeopleLike (@StuffFratsLike) is a writer for Total Frat Move, and due to his crippling OCD and functional alcoholism he can only understand and write text when presented in a numbered list format. So you're all jerks for calling him out on it. He is a self described Huguenot, and commands a secret sexual fetish for angry internet comments.

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