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Bottom-Tier Formal Destinations: Lava Hot Springs, Idaho

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Maybe your chapter is in debt. Maybe your membership is too low to collect enough money for a nicer trip. Maybe your chapter isn’t allowed at any respectable venue within 500 miles. For whatever reason, your formal is looking less than stellar this year. While this may be an awful situation to find yourself in, I’ll do what I can to help you make the most of it by highlighting some third-rate formal locations to check out. This week, our featured destination is meant to capture the imaginations of all those who have dreamed of a weekend getaway in rural eastern Idaho.

Weather: Dreary, miserable, cold
Activities: Waterpark, shootin’ critters, hot springs

As you may have guessed, the name of this town is the most exciting thing about it. The hot springs that run underneath its quiet, dreary vistas have given it not only a name, but another reason to venture out there besides needing to hide out from law enforcement. Once you drive past what can only be called a waterpark in the loosest sense of the term, you’ll notice that there isn’t much in the way of gas stations or grocery stores. I hope you bought your alcohol elsewhere, because a decent 30-rack of beer is going to run you over 25 bones in this neck of the woods. Food is oddly expensive too, which must be due to nobody wanting to transport it this far out of the way.

You and your formal planning committee will want to be careful about this place, because they don’t take too kindly to no goddamn frat boys ‘round these parts. Southern Idaho in general can be an unwelcoming place, and the brain-dead, amphetamine-addled drivers on its roads will make it quite the accomplishment just to get there in one piece.

Once you’ve stocked up and arrived at your luxury condo, you’ll quickly find that there isn’t much to do after you’ve pounded back some of the region’s finest malt liquor. This would be a great time to round everybody up and get a ride down to the famous hot springs for which the town was named. For a few bucks, you and your date can take a relaxing dip into one of the pools that range from uncomfortable to searing. If you’ve worked up a good buzz by this point, ten minutes in one of these pools will have you inches away from blacking out. The reason for this has to do with vasodilation and some other bullshit, but my theory is that your liver has a hard time processing alcohol when it and the rest of your organs are cooking inside you. Once your friends have hauled your drunk ass back to the condo, it’s best to just pass out and dream of the home you left to venture out to this strange land.

At some point during your formal, take a moment to acknowledge the strange feeling you have that something isn’t right. You know what that is? It’s the pioneers, and they’re pissed off. So many of them braved the harsh conditions of the frontier on their way to the west coast, all for the hope that they could make things better for themselves and their children. Yet here you are, desecrating their memory by shotgunning Stack Lagers in the far reaches of Idaho.
The best part about having your formal in Lava Hot Springs? You’ve got nowhere to go but up after this.

Image via Youtube

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WJ Cope

He's the real reason people say "No one likes you when you're 23."

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