Bottom-Tier Formal Destinations: Flint, MI

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As The Warmest Christmas in Living Memory Approaches, It's Worth Remembering that Snow Is Terrible.

Maybe your chapter is in debt. Maybe your membership is too low to collect enough money for a nicer trip. Maybe your chapter isn’t allowed at any respectable venue within 500 miles. For whatever reason, your formal is looking less than stellar this year. While this may be an awful situation to find yourself in, I’ll do what I can to help you make the most of it by highlighting some third-rate formal locations to check out. Our featured destination for today has a murder rate seven times higher than the national average, and is currently in a public health state of emergency. That’s right, we’re going to Flint, Michigan!

Weather: Hot, muggy, humid in summer. Frozen hellscape in winter.

Activities: Staying indoors, not drawing attention to yourself.

Too soon? Nah. Not soon enough. Ever since this town was put into a state of emergency, prices for hotels and condos have plummeted. In the same way that people have been scouting out homes to buy for $100 a pop in Detroit, you can find some great deals on a place for your whole formal crew in Flint. If you’ve ever had the problem of a city being overbooked during winter formal season, you can rest assured that there is zero chance of that happening here.

Right off the bat, we’ll get into some of the drawbacks that come with planning a formal in Flint. That’s right, these do exist. One of them is that quite a bit of the money you save coming here will need to be spent on bottled water for everyone in your crew. If you don’t take this necessary step, you could be looking at quite a bit more in medical costs for those affected by the water quality. Also, I mentioned the murder rate being dramatically higher than the national average. On the bright side, this could be worked into a great way to ask a girl to your formal. Write her a card that says, “If you go to formal with me, I’ll murder that pussy.” Add a few gun emojis for good measure. Trust me, you can’t go wrong with that approach.

Once you’ve safely (?) arrived in Flint, get as blasted as humanly possible and find a sled hill. These are a great time, but make sure you don’t fuck around for too long. You don’t want anyone to walk by and notice you, or it’s game over. See that mailman passing by? He’s a cold-blooded killer. That little girl on the swing set? She could make your death look like an accident. When you make it back to your condo, hunker down and take some time to appreciate the value and fragility of life in between sips of purified water and Caliber Vodka. Keep checking on your dates and consoling them, as they’ll be at a loss as to what they did to deserve coming out here. After all, it’s not their fault that they ended up here. You told them you were going to “a resort in eastern Michigan.” You dirtbag.

Cabin fever is sure to set in at some point, given the bitter cold conditions and immediate danger in the region. As such, your social committee needs to make sure that you’re stocked with enough uppers, downers, lefters and righters to keep everyone more or less satisfied with being confined to your condo for the whole weekend. With the right combination of substances, you can remain awake while being more or less numb and unaware as to how bad things get. Good luck to you, you’ll definitely need it.

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WJ Cope

He's the real reason people say "No one likes you when you're 23."

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