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Boston Accents Are Proof That God Hates Humanity

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I recently went to a family reunion and it was the first time I had seen most of my extended family in almost a decade. I didn’t recognize 75 percent of these fuckers. They were all relatives from my mom’s side of the family, and my mom spent most of her life growing up in the lovely city of Boston, Massachusetts. The reunion took place near Cape Cod, so I had to spend a whole week listening to nothing but Boston accents. Needless to say, it was a horrifying. I may never emotionally recover from this.

Listening to Boston accents is basically like listening to nails scratch on a chalkboard while a pterodactyl sings a non-stop loop of Soulja Boy songs to an audience of 11 trillion tone deaf crying babies with a background of 477 police sirens — but worse. Wanna hear an interesting little fun fact? The CIA tortures terrorists by making them listen to drunk dudes from Boston tell stories from their high school glory days.

Just listening to my my cousin say “PAHK THE CAH” was like having a pencil shoved into my ear. I have PTSD flashbacks when I remember listening to all my aunts and uncles ask me and my siblings “HOW’S CAHLLEGE?” Boston accents are one of the sadder things America has to offer. Every 11 seconds a new child is diagnosed with a Boston accent. Don’t become a statistic. Move.

I doubt there’s anyone reading this that hasn’t heard a Boston accent before. But if you ARE one of the very few, very lucky souls, allow me to try explain it. Unfortunately it’s WICKED HAHD to explain through text, but basically the “R” sounds are replaced with “Aw’s” and human decency is replaced with knuckle dragging, turd flinging crudeness.

If you wanna hear a perfect example, watch “The Departed.” It’s a masterpiece but the constant Boston accents are the only thing holding it back from being Martin Scrorsese’s best film. It’s Rated R not for the strong brutal violence, sexual content, nudity, or drug use. It’s solely because of the Boston accents. Don’t let the kids watch it.

People from Boston are super proud to be from Boston. They constantly talk about it on a damn near nonstop basis — wearing Red Sox hats and cracking stick into a Tom Brady jersey. Obviously that’s totally fine. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being proud of where you came from. But because of this, there’s probably gonna be a lot of pissed off Bostonian’s reading this, furious that I’m MAWCKIN their accents. I sincerely apologize if I’m upsetting anyone, but let’s be honest, unfortunately these are cold, hard scientific facts. Don’t kill the messenger. Even if he is a dick.

So if you’re reading this and you’re from BAHSTON, I’m wicked sorry. Please feel free to voice your opinion if you’re upset about this article. But if you do, please do me a huge, huge, HUGE favor. Only write to me about how you’re angry. Don’t tell me out loud. I don’t wanna hear your voice.

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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