“Bruh, you know what’d make us Greek fraternity gods? Let’s bring goddamn Snoop Dogg and Migos and 21 Savage and, fuck it, Chingy to a frat party. We’ll be legends, man. I’m telling ya.”
I cannot tell you how many times we’ve all had this thought crawl across our minds. Your fraternity’s goal to be the dopest, dankest, trillest house on campus is usually the same as several other houses. How are you gonna stand out? Booking the hottest rapper in the game, of course. So you get on the Internets, Google a few artists with the word ‘booking’ after it and *BAM* you’re on your way from graduating from business minor to full-blown talent agent.
But wait. What’s this? Uh oh. Bamboozled again. That company that you emailed back and forth for weeks, signed legit af contracts with and wired an absolutely absurd $50,000 to is actually fake. Yeah, your fraternity parties for the rest of the semester featuring ramen noodles, water and cheap crack cocaine should be liiiiiiit.
I present this topic of conversation due to an unfortunate situation that happened to the good people of SAE at Mizzou.
Fuck your natural disasters, Haiti. This is what GoFundMe pages are meant for.
I wish I could say this is an isolated case, but it’s not. These fake talent booking agencies are pretty common and are scamming everyone from wholesome fraternity men to less wholesome bar owners to even artists themselves. I would know. I was pumped to see Lil Dicky at a well-established bar in my town about a year ago. What happened though? A big turd sandwich, that’s what.
Yeah, that sucks one big boner, don’t it? My guess is the odds of you getting your money back are about as good as North Korea creating a successful nuke. It’s just not pretty.
So here’s a few tips to make sure you don’t get ripped off the next time you try booking some talent for your next party:
Aim Low: As with everything in life, don’t try too hard. Is Lil Uzi Vert priced at $100K reallllllly gonna be worth it over DJ Pledge Bro, Class 2018 at $100? I’m gonna say you spend that extra $99,900 on bringing a bouncy castle, fireworks and a real-life tiger to the party and see what happens.
Half Now, Half Later: If you’re gonna book someone and they want all the money up front and you give it to them then you deserve to be demoted back to pledge a hazed all over again. If you get a job and they pay you your whole salary up front, are you ever going to go to that job? Hell naw. That’s why it’s best to pay half up front and half when they actually arrive. Feel free to add performance-based incentives into the contract, too. Such as: If I get to touch a titty tonight, +$50. If my ex-girlfriend tries to come and I get the satisfaction of telling her she’s not allowed in, +$200. If she then bangs another dude and Snapchats it to me, -$50,000. Get fucked, Esperanza, you slut!
And that’s about it, kids and coaches. Now, someone stop worrying about those starving children in Ethiopia and start a GoFundMe page for these SAE brothers ASAP. If you don’t, they’ll probably have to spend formal in Branson, Mo. and that’s something I wouldn’t wish on anyone.