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Blondes > Brunettes

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You may have seen a little column circulating around social media today entitled “Brunettes > Blondes.” Chances are a brown-haired lady friend of yours (or several) tweeted, shared, and liked it on Facebook all with a similar “I TOLD YOU GUYS!” caption. Sorry to burst your self-righteous brunette bubble, but there’s a reason that every man in America thinks of a blonde when he hears the word “bombshell.”

I’ve got nothing but respect for my main man, but seeing this column from him made me really question the way he looks at the world. There are thousands of reasons, but they don’t pay me by the word over here at TFM, so I’ve decided to highlight a few of my favorites just to show how wrong he is.

Blondes Really Do Have More Fun

It isn’t just a saying, it’s a scientific fact at this point. From the bar to the bedroom, blondes are the epitome of a good time. And don’t give me that “You can’t judge an entire group of people based solely on hair color” crap.

Next time you have a night out on the town, make a mental note of the girls you see drinking on elevated surfaces, belting out the lyrics to whatever abomination Miley Cyrus is passing off as music, or just having an all around great drunken night. Chances are the majority of these gals will be sporting the platinum locks that guys can’t get enough of.

Tan Blondes > Everything

Seriously fellas, is there anything better than a golden mane on top of a perfectly tanned body? Brunettes might have it easier when it comes to the bronzing department, but with the fantastic “Get Skin Cancer Slowly” technology of our era, this issue is a thing of the past.

I don’t care if it’s from natural sunlight or if the chick sleeps in a UV-lit coffin, the end result is nothing short of jaw-dropping. Throw in the whole “barely visible body hair” thing into the mix and she’s got future wife practically written on her forehead.

Even If Guys Don’t Admit It, They’ll Be Jealous

Ending up with a gorgeous blonde is basically the American Dream for your average male. Sure, you know some guys who act happy with their chestnut-headed counterparts, but we all know what they’re thinking deep down: “Fuck you, you lucky son of a bitch.”

I’m not saying blondes are the only girls a guy can like. Hell, there are thousands of mind-numbingly beautiful women out there who ride on the darker side of the hair color spectrum. I’m just saying that when push comes to shove, every guy knows that a blonde girl on your arm is the ultimate sign that you’ve made it.

Brunettes Wish They Were Blonde

This final point also ends up being the most obvious. Of all the blondes you know in your life, how many of them were naturally gifted with the golden tresses we dream of? Chances are a decent chunk of these gals made the monumental decision to “go blonde” at some point in their lives hoping it would get them a little more attention. The funny thing? It probably worked.

Now let’s think of the opposite scenario. How many ladies in your life have gone from esteemed blonde beauties to boring old brown-heads? While there are a few out there, this instance is far less common and it’s for a good reason. Blondes have the fun, they get the attention, and to put it simply, they’re what every guy is looking for deep down. It’s just a matter of his willingness to admit it.


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StuffFratPeopleLike (@StuffFratsLike) is a writer for Total Frat Move, and due to his crippling OCD and functional alcoholism he can only understand and write text when presented in a numbered list format. So you're all jerks for calling him out on it. He is a self described Huguenot, and commands a secret sexual fetish for angry internet comments.

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