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As many of you have likely heard, Tiger Woods fired his long-time caddie Steve Williams. Since many pro caddies are pretty much the vice presidents of a golfer’s game, and since Williams has been with Tiger through 13 Major wins, this is a big fucking deal. Many people speculate that this is related to Williams’ involvement with Adam Scott, who he’s caddied for in a few recent tournaments. Others believe this is Tiger trying to remove more things from his past in order to start fresh. As per usual, both sides are wrong. To get the real story, I sat down with Steve over drinks today.
Big D: Steve, thanks for meeting with me today. A lot of people are pretty pissed about this, calling it a betrayal of trust, since you stood by him through his whole scandal.
Steve: Yeah, and that’s pretty much what it is.
Big D: Do you think it’s a result of your caddying for Adam Scott or is Tiger just grasping for any major change he can make to bring his game back?
Steve: To tell you the truth, it’s neither. Most media outlets don’t want to hear the real story, but I know that TotalFratMove.com is known for its journalistic integrity and commitment to finding the truth.
Big D: That’s high praise coming from a guy who’s been known for throwing reporters’ cameras in the water when they snap pictures during Tiger’s backswing. So what’s the story?
Steve: Honestly, that has less to do with Tiger’s concentration and more to do with the fact that it’s fun as tits to throw annoying people’s shit into a lake. But, back to the point. Tiger didn’t fire me because of golf. He fired me because of my status as a wingman.
Big D: I’m sorry, what?
Steve: Yeah. What most people don’t know is that I didn’t just caddie for him on the course. I was also his caddie for pound town. All the clubs we go to, there’s girls everywhere. He can’t be expected to talk to all of them to figure out which one has the best combination of attractiveness, drunkenness, stupidity, and daddy issues. So I go through, find the best candidates, figure out if they’re discreet enough to keep their sexcapades on the DL, and then introduce them.
Big D: And I’m assuming you get to introduce your “3 wood” to the ones he doesn’t pick?
Steve: Exactly. It’s a great setup. The problem is, Tiger hasn’t just been on a dry spell on the course recently. He’s been stone cold in the bedroom too. For some reason, he’s lost his game. He’s grabbing girls’ tits before they speak to him, insulting them, and just generally being a fucking idiot. It’s like he forgot how to play.
Big D: But he’s Tiger Woods. Surely there are some sluts out there who can overlook bad game just to fuck Tiger.
Steve: Two years ago, that would have been true. But they’re all flocking over to that Rory McIlroy asshole. That kid doesn’t know his dick from his utility club, but he’s hot on the market right now.
Big D: That is indeed unfortunate. But how is this your fault? I don’t see where you getting fired comes into play.
Steve: Well to be honest…I got a little greedy. First, girls would just walk away from him and I’d let it go. But then they would come back to me and be all like “aren’t you Adam Scott’s caddie?” and I’d be all like “yeah” and she’d take me up to her room. No big deal right? But then things started to get out of hand to the point that I was actively cockblocking Tiger right in front of his face. The poor guy never stood a chance. It was like a 24/7 muff parade in my pants, and he couldn’t even keep a phone sex operator from hanging up on him before he could blow his load. It’s sad really.
Big D: So, let me get this straight. Tiger Woods fired you because you stole too many skanky ass ho’s from him?
Steve: Well I couldn’t say it that eloquently, but yeah, pretty much.
Big D: So what’s your next plan?
Steve: I think I’m gonna join an NBA player’s entourage. Turns out, having too many 300 pound black guys in your crew is against affirmative action laws, and they’re looking for middle-aged white guys with wingman experience. Do you realize how much more I’ll score working for Derrick Rose? It’s gonna be rap video bitches from wall to wall. I’ve been in the wrong game, man.
Big D: Can’t disagree with you there, Steve. Thanks for the interview.
Steve: No problem. Are you picking up the check, because I left my wallet at home.
Y’all heard it here. Not only is Steve Williams done with Tiger, he’s done with professional golf.
Stay tuned as TFM correspondent Big Dallas Williams continues to cut the bullshit and deliver the truth.
The above interview is a parody. Obviously, Steve Williams did not actually say the quotes in this article.