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A quick aside- ESPN GameDay will be coming to East Lansing this weekend for the Michigan State-tOSU snoozefest. If you have any nsign ideas that do NOT involve my baby sisters, leave them in the comments section.

Let’s get to the picks. As always, do the complete opposite of everything I say.

Picks are on the left; Home teams are in CAPS.




Browns (+12) vs. RAVENS

Reasoning Behind The Pick

Consider this a Thank You gift to the good people of Cleveland. God may have abandoned your wretched city long ago, but after the Tribe’s HUGE series win over the ChiSox, you still have an adamant supporter in this guy. Russ Canzler, you name the time and place, and I will show up outside your door. Do I think the Browns will actually cover? Hell to the no. But after that gutty performance by the Wahoos, this is the least I can do.

BID: Dennis Pitta, TE, BAL (50.5% ownership)

Is it “pita” like the bread, or “pitt-uhh?” Let’s just call him Dennis. However you say it, through three games, Pitta has 30 targets, the most of any tight end not named Jimmy Graham. Look for continued success against a mediocre Browns defense that allowed 13 tight end fantasy points against Philly in Week One.

BLACKBALL: Torrey Smith, WR, BAL

Brothers aren’t like “grandmas”: You only get to use their untimely death ONE time to your advantage. Oh, too soon? There’s no such thing. You know that piece I wrote about “too soon” culture in light of Aurora? Yeah, total BS. I wrote it for the page views, and ONLY for the page views, because I am a dirty page view salesmen, and I knew that you’d eat it up. And guess what- you fell for it! I AM SMART AND YOU ARE DUMB.




Vikings (+4.5) vs. LIONS

Reasoning Behind The Pick

I will be in attendance, which never ends well for anyone. I’m like King Midas, but with a modern twist. Instead of gold, everything I love turns into Franzia-flavored garbage and ends up in the hospital.

BID: Kyle Rudolph, TE, MIN (22.7% ownership)

There are three certainties in life: Death, taxes, and the Detroit Football Lions inability to shut down plus-sized tight ends. In the past two weeks, Vernon Davis and Jared Cook ran absolute train on the Lions’ back seven. The pain shouldn’t let up this week, either, when the 6’6”, 258 lb. Rudolph rolls into the Motor City.


Only the Lions. Only the Lions catch break after break from the refs, recover an onside kick, CATCH A HAIL MARY AS TIME EXPIRES, and STILL manage to lose in overtime because a veteran center wasn’t paying attention in the huddle. On top of ALL that, Stafford left the game injured, and there’s a good chance he doesn’t play. Avoid anyone in Honolulu Blue not named Calvin.


49ers (-4) vs. JETS

Reasoning Behind The Pick

Revis Island has gone the way of Atlantis, and is out for the year with a torn ACL. Look for Alex Smith, who looked downright unspectacular Week Three against the Vikings, to have a bounce-back game against the suddenly depleted Jets’ secondary.

BID: Bilal Powell, RB, NYJ (1.9% ownership)

Shonn Greene is terrible. This should not be news to anyone. How he gets drafted in the first ten rounds each year is BEYOND me. Through three games, Greene has rushed for an abysmal 157 yards on 57 attempts. It’s only a matter of time before Greene loses his starting job to Powell, whose Yards Per Carry (4.1) is DOUBLE that of Greene’s. Don’t start him this week, but Bilal, who is available in 98.1% of ESPN leagues, is worth a speculative pickup.

BLACKBALL: Mario Manningham, WR, SF



Titans (+12) vs. TEXANS

Reasoning Behind The Pick

Twelve is a lot of points to cover, even when you’re going up against Jake Locker at home.

BID: Andre Johnson, WR, HOU (100% ownership)

Andre Johnson OWNS the Titans, not only on the stat sheet (42 catches/569 yards/6 touchdowns over the last six matchups), but on the Tale of the Tape, as well. Just watch:

BLACKBALL: Chris Johnson, RB, TEN

Two days ago, someone offered to give me Lance Moore straight up for CJ2K. I actually had to pause and think about it. Facebook has more valuable stock than Johnson at this point. We are going into Week Four, and the first rounder has 45 yards (!!!) and NO touchdowns to his name. Shoot me.


Seahawks (-2.5) vs. RAMS

Reasoning Behind The Pick

This game defines “F.U. Mode” for the ‘Hawks, as in, “you think we got away with grand larceny on national television? F.U., you haven’t seen pain yet.” Seattle’s traditionally not that great when they don’t have a home field advantage. Luckily for them, St. Louis doesn’t have one, either.

BID: SEATTLE D/ST (94.2% ownership)

Eight sacks in the first half against Mr. Rodgers. EIGHT! Something scary is brewing in the Pacific Northwest.


Golden Tate, meet Karma. Karma, meet Golden Tate. Bet the over on how many ribs he breaks before halftime.



I swear to God that I didn’t add the music from Dick’s Picks. The second I heard that guitar riff, I died laughing. Once again, Dick Perry’s face has managed a way to pop up in my head while I have a modestly-sized boner.




Saints (+7.5) vs. PACKERS

Reasoning Behind The Pick

It’s the Roger Goodell Bowl!

In one corner, we have the franchise that the Commish tried to play one-man Hurricane Katrina with. In the other corner, we have the team that fell victim to Darth Ginger’s keen negotiating skills in front of millions of people. “I FIND YOUR LACK OF FAITH IN THE REPLACEMENT REFEREES DISTURBING.”

I’m leaning towards making the Saints my Super Bowl pick. The Grand Daddy of them all is in New Orleans this year. Can you imagine the entire state of Louisiana booing Goodell as Brother Brees holds the Lombardi over his stupid red hair? It’d be SO glorious. Now, if they can just learn to defend the fucking pass.

BID: Aaron Rodgers, QB, GB (100% ownership)

Everyone who’s panicking because they selected A-Rodg 1st overall needs to relax. He’s only the 23rd ranked fantasy passer right now, but still. He’s Aaron Rodgers. He is not this bad. The Saints defense is not that good. Breathe. And to everyone else, buy low when you still have a chance to.

BLACKBALL: Roger Goodell, Commissioner, NFL

Whether you’re just the messenger of the owners or not, I don’t care. Go away.




Giants (+2) vs. EAGLES

Reasoning Behind The Pick

Hope you all listened to my Martellus Bennett pick. RED ZONE BEAST.

BID: Eli Manning, QB, NYG (100% ownership)

Always bet on a Dumb Face if it’s Prime Time.

BLACKBALL: Michael Vick, QB, PHI

Never bet against puppies.




Bears (+3.5) vs. COWBOYS

Reasoning Behind The Pick

Miles Austin is banged up. DeMarco Murray is facing the 3rd ranked defense against the run. The Bears have the top ranked pass defense in fantasy football. There are no replacement refs who are too intimidated by the home team’s fans to do the right thing. All that, PLUS every time one of Dorn’s teams chokes on a national stage and drives him to tears, an angel gets its wings.

BID: Jay Cutler, QB, CHI (92.2% ownership)

What’s that you say? Over the last two games, the Blow Jay has a 1:5 touchdown: interception ratio?

Say it with me now:


This is Jay Cutler’s quarterback career in six seconds:

Cutler is the patron saint of false hope.


Can we please all finally admit that the only thing Dez Bryant is good at is maintaining peace in his domestic life? He has 13 catches to date, and hasn’t scored a touchdown in five games. Is he due? Probably. I actually think he scores a touchdown Monday night. But we need to drop the charade that this momma’s boy is a WR1.


Last Week: 5-5
Season: 5-5


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