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Beyonce to Continue Streak of Crappy Super Bowl Halftime Performers

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Believe it or not, it’s been almost a decade since the infamous “wardrobe malfunction” occurred at the Halftime Show of Super Bowl XXXVIII. In the time since JT exposed Janet’s washed up, 38-year old chest beefer to 90 million people, the network head honchos have elected to go with increasingly less risqué acts to perform during the most highly-watched piss break of the year.

The shift from the MTV pop scene towards a more PG-friendly entertainment was tolerable, at first. In fact, it was pretty damn enjoyable. The Super Bowl planners dusted off a few classics like the Stones and McCartney, Tom Petty and The Who. Hell, we as a country even got to sit back and enjoy a face full of The Boss’s crotch. It was AWESOME.

But the halftime show music selection has been slacking as of late, and it won’t be getting any better this year, at least for all the non-single ladies watching.

Beyonce is picking up where Madonna left off and will be performing at Super Bowl XLVII, The Associated Press reported Tuesday.

Best known for hits like “Crazy in Love,” “Irreplaceable” and, of course, “Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It),” it was only a matter of time before Beyonce graced the huge stage.

Now sure, the Super Bowl isn’t just for men these days. The commercials, parties, and different camera angles of LeGronk make it just as much of a fun spectacle for the ladies as it is for the guys.

But give me a break, CBS. I’m all for equality and tolerance and all that other stuff that the lesbians force me to accept while I’m trying to pound Busch Camos because I’M A MAN WHO BOW HUNTS AND RESPECTS NEITHER THE OPINIONS NOR PERSONAL SPACE OF OTHERS. But this is still football, and I want to see football stuff, like tackling! And concussions! And Tom Brady feathering his hair for an Uggs commercial! At the end of the day, it’s man time. That should be respected.

I mean, first we had to sit through this:

And then this:

And now we gotta go through this whole Yorkie dog and My Pretty Pony show for a third straight year? Cut us a little slack over here with the girly stuff, fellas. I know that Keith Richards and his oxygen tank can’t be wheeled out every February (on account of the rusting effect of the cold weather), but let’s at least mix it up a bit. Some Black Keys or Jack White maybe? What about an SEC marching band, or some Motown? Anything has to be better than what our generation calls popular music.

…On second thought…

But in all seriousness ladies, you don’t WANT the halftime show to cater to you. Roger Goodell, aka Darth Ginger, already controls the lives of all American men. He’s now turned his eye to the the uterii of this great nation. Resist him ladies. RESIST. If the ginger wins we’ll all be under the totalitarian rule of his fiery red temper (and pubes).


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