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Every Christmas time, the brothers of Beta Delta pair up with the sorority Eta Theta Sigma to collect toys from the other houses on campus. They load the boxes of old Barbies and Tonka trucks and lightly-used board games into the beds of pickups and drive them to Sunshine Center, a daycare on the edge of town. They drop the boxes off inside and Moe, the chapter Historian, snaps photos for the fraternity website of the Greeks building Legos and playing dolls with the kids. Basic PR stuff.
The brothers always looked forward to this time of year. Not because they had to babysit a room full of snot-nosed seven-year-olds for a few hours, but because Eta was the hottest sorority on campus, and nothing turns a woman on like a man who has a way with kids. If the brothers could feign kind-heartedness for just a little while, the beautiful women of Eta would be wetter than the slow kid’s pampers.
No one was more eager to impress than Kevin, who rode in a truck bed with Schmitty, Moe, Pudge, and a pile of boxes.
“OOOOH Kev, is your girl gonna be there?” Moe asked. He put his camera to his face and snapped a photo of a woman jogging on the sidewalk.
“I hope so,” Kevin said.
“Dude, Amanda is seriously hot,” Pudge said. “You should ask her to go out right after the daycare shit. You know how girls get after spending time with the kids… all horned up and thinkin’ about reproducing and stuff.”
“Maybe,” Kevin said.
“Here, in case you get lucky…”
Pudge reached in his pocket and pulled out a strip of condoms. Just then, the pickup truck hit a bump and the condoms went flying over the side.
“Shit, never mind.”
No one noticed that several condoms landed in a box full of toys.
“Who givess a fuck about bichesss, anyway?” Shmitty said. “Thrrr all bitchesss who jusss want a rich… hup… asshole with a buncha money.”
He unscrewed the top of a flask and took a swig.
“Shmitty, we’re all sorry Jessica broke up with you, but can you please not drink that right now?” Kevin asked. “You tend to get a tad… political when you drink.”
“Iss my right as a United State to drunk wherever I damn well wanna.” Shmitty said.
The truck came to a halt in front of Sunshine Center. The brothers started unloading boxes. Moe snapped photos of sorority girls posing at the entrance. Kevin walked inside and dropped a box in the middle of the room. Immediately, dozens of kids swarmed the box, shoving and clawing and clamoring for the toys.
“Easy, easy… Hey! No biting,” Kevin said.
Then he looked up and saw her. Long, flowing blonde hair. Big, perky tits that all but tore apart the zipper on her North Face jacket. She carried a small boy holding a blanket and sucking his thumb.
“Hey Kevin!” Amanda said.
“Hey Amanda! And who’s this big guy?”
The boy hid his face in Amanda’s shoulder.
“Aww, he’s a little shy,” Amanda said. “Can you say hi to my good friend Kevin, Billy?”
“Hewo Kevin,” Billy said bashfully.
“Nice to meet you, buddy.”
“Looks like we collected more toys than ever this year,” Kevin said.
“I know! You guys did such a great job with the fundraiser. You don’t even realize what it means to these kids,” Amanda said.
She bit her lip and put a hand on Kevin’s shoulder.
“I don’t know how I could ever repay you for all your hard work.”
“Well I… ahem… I mean, it’s nothing really.”
“Amanda?” little Billy spoke up. “Can I pway bwocks wiff Kevin?”
“Of course you can, Billy!” She put the boy down. “Here, you go show Kevin your blocks and I’ll help with the boxes.”
“Fowo me, Kevin,” Billy said, taking him by the hand.
“Aww look at you two!” Amanda gushed.
She waved them off as Billy led Kevin to a pile of blocks. They sat down criss-cross style.
“Wow, look at this castle,” Kevin said. “Did you build it all by yourself?”
Little Billy glanced over his shoulder, then leaned in and looked Kevin dead in the eye.
“Listen here, motherfucker,” he said. “I see the way you lookin’ at my girl.”
Kevin’s mouth dropped.
“Who taught you to talk like that?” he asked.
“Listen here, bitch, I’m gonna level with you… Amanda is mine. You keep your hands off what’s mine, and we don’t have a problem, aight?”
“Alright, alright… damn, kid.”
Kevin reached for a block. Billy smacked his hand.
“That includes my blocks, motherfucker. Just sit there and don’t touch shit.”
Meanwhile, Shmitty found an audience for his drunken political rants. He had collected several toys and lunches to teach the children how taxes work, and was now rambling about his disapproval of the Obama administration in between bites of a sandwich and swigs from his flask.
“Now let’sss… hup… review, younglets. Why’s our ecolomy in tha pooper and why doesn’t the Chinas respeck us?”
“Because Obama is a pussy!” the children chanted in unison.
“Now we’re learning!”
A group of sorority sisters overheard the rally.
“What is he teaching those kids?” one asked.
She set off on a beeline for Shmitty when something smacked her in the face. It felt like a balloon, but there was something on it. A wet, slimy substance.
“Look Miss, we got balloons!” a buck-toothed kid exclaimed, looking up at her.
The sorority sister grabbed the balloon.
“Weird balloon… ” she said. “No string, pale, ribbed. It kind of looks like a…”
She gasped, then turned to the rest of the room.
“Who gave the children condoms?!”
On the other side of the room, Pudge entertained kids by drawing a face on his fat stomach with a mouth around the belly button. He grabbed the sides of his gut and mashed them together to make the mouth move.
“ME HUNGRY! FEED ME COOKIE!”
The kids laughed and grabbed gingerbread cookies and started pushing them into Pudge’s belly button.
“NOM NOM NOM. ME NEED MILK!”
One kid poured a cup of milk on the stomach-face.
“GLUG GLUG GLUG!”
Then, the stomach-face became sorrowful.
“OHH WOE IS ME! I’M FAT ‘CUASE I EAT AND I EAT ‘CAUSE I’M FAT!”
The kids rolled on the floor laughing and snorting.
Back at Shmitty’s drunken lesson, he had finished teaching the children about the socialist Obama administration’s rape of freedom and democracy, and moved on to a more traditional holiday activity: cutting snowflakes out of paper. One by one, the kids turned in their projects. Shmitty stood up with the pile of snowflakes, took a hearty pull from his flask, and threw it over his shoulder. He held up the snowflake on the top of the stack.
“Which one a youse made thiss?”
A red-headed girl in the back raised her hand timidly.
“What’s yerr name, kid?”
“Now Suzy, you’re probly used to teachers makin’ you do this so they can tell you all about how SPECIAL and UNIQUE you are… juss like a little snowflake, right?”
“Well you’re NOT special, Suzy! NONE OF YOU ARE!”
Some children started to cry.
“And the sooner you git that through yer soft heads… hup… the better off you’ll be!”
He tore Suzy’s snowflake in half and held up another one.
“This little snowflake is gonna git knocked up an’ drop outta school!”
“This little snowflake is gonna waste the best years of his life on a fucking whore who leaves him… hup… for some douchebag!”
“And THIS little snowflake is gonna burn his fuckin’ parentss house down in a goddamn meth explosion!”
He pulled out a lighter and lit the corner of the snowflake.
“BURN! BURRRN! BURRRN LIKE THE TRASH PILE THAT IS EXISTENCE!”
The children cheered wildly as flames consumed the special paper snowflake.
Meanwhile, little Billy had completed the wall around his block castle to “keep the haters out.” He was now building a “trap house.” A brunette sorority girl walked up to them.
“My goodness! What a beautiful castle you built!” she said.
“Fanks miss. You wook vewy pwetty today,” Billy said.
The Eta sister turned to Kevin.
“Isn’t he just the sweetest!?”
“Sure is,” Kevin said.
The sorority girl walked away. Billy craned his neck to watch her leave.
“Damn! I wanna split dat ass open like a coconut!”
Kevin shook his head.
“You couldn’t even if you tried, kid.”
“Oh yeah? Bet I got a better shot with Amanda than you do.”
“Pretty sure she’s looking for someone whose balls aren’t still inside of them.”
Billy put down his blocks and stared at Kevin like he was trying to burn a hole through him. A smirk crept a across his face. Then, his lip started to quiver.
“No,” Kevin said. “Don’t you do it.”
Billy started to bawl. Amanda hurried over and scooped him up.
“Oh no, Billy!” she cooed. “What happened?”
Billy pointed at Kevin.
“He called me stupid!” he wailed.
Amanda looked at Kevin with disgust.
“Kevin how could you? He’s just a baby!”
Amanda stormed off with Billy in her arms. Billy looked back at Kevin and flipped him off.
Just as Kevin stood up to go after them, he smelled smoke. He looked over to see Shmitty screaming and waving a burning piece of paper in the air. Then, the smoke alarm went off, the sprinklers activated, and the room descended into total chaos. Children squealed with joy and frolicked in the deluge of water chanting “NOBAMA! NOBAMA! NOBAMA!” Shmitty projectile vomited. Eta girls shrieked and cried and struggled to control the children.
“Everybody go to your seats!” one pleaded.
“YOU CAN’T TELL US WHAT TO DO, COMMIE!” the children shouted back.
They swarmed her and started beating her with inflated condom balloons.
As the water poured down, Kevin stood in disbelief. Pudge walked up to him. The face he drew on his gut was wet and runny. He grabbed the sides of it, making the mouth move, and bellowed in a deep, goofy voice.
“MERRY CHRISTMAS, KEVIN!”.
Image by John Naffziger. Follow him on Instagram.