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I can’t sleep anymore; I always wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat screaming bloody murder like a PTSD sufferer. I mean, I guess I am one.
I have no appetite anymore. Life just feels like one big, sad joke lately. And not even a good joke. It feels like a racist dick joke from a deleted scene of a mid-2000s Rob Schneider movie. I’ve just been an absolute psychological mess this week. Why? Because Drake Bell and Josh Peck of Drake & Josh fame are beefing. Every day we stray further from God.
Years before the name Drake was associated with the sensitive rapper who popularized drunk texting your ex and ending Meek Mill’s career, there was Drake Bell. The first Drake. The original Drake. The Drake that opened the door for future Drakes to come. He and Josh Peck starred in a children’s sitcom that reshaped America as we knew it. When Trump talks about “Make America Great Again,” I can only assume he’s referring to a Drake & Josh reunion show.
To any millennial who wasn’t either in a coma for 15 years or raised by sociopathic hippies that didn’t allow television in the house, Drake & Josh was a fixture of our childhoods. It was on Nickelodeon, airing for 3 glorious, life-changing years from 2004 to 2007. The two stars, Drake Bell and Josh Peck, played step-brothers, and the show won literally hundreds of thousands of Emmys. It won a few dozen Academy Awards, too. And I’m not even talking about the made-for-TV Drake & Josh movies; the TV show itself stacked Academy Awards even though it wasn’t a movie. Unprecedented.
Then, as most series do, Drake & Josh drifted away. Their book was closed, ending on a positive note with a, dare I say, perfect legacy.
All of that came crumbling down last week, however, when Drake got his Twitter fingers poppin’ and fired shots at Josh online for alleged betrayal. Get your tissues ready, because this is about to get really heartbreaking really quick.
Josh got married last week, and that treacherous, soulless snake DIDN’T INVITE DRAKE. I think it’s pretty safe to say that this is easily the most horrific celebrity scandal of all time. This is like O.J., Cosby, Chris Brown, and Michael Jackson combined, multiplied by 500. I’ve never felt so betrayed on such a personal level.
Drake Bell responded with two tweets, saying “True colors have come out today. Message is loud and clear. Ties are officially cut. I’ll miss you brotha,” and “when you’re not invited to the wedding the message was clear….” The tweets were eventually deleted, but the pain wasn’t.
Josh Peck, you son of a bitch. How. Dare. You. This is one problem you can’t blame on Megan. It’s been a week and I still haven’t fully recovered. Drake probably hasn’t either, and we both may never.
How the hell do you sleep at night, Josh? I hope you’re happy with yourself..
Image via Shutterstock