It’s your first year of college and everything is awesome. Class attendance is voluntary, Mom and Dad aren’t on your back, and drinking mid-day isn’t frowned upon but rather encouraged. You’re free! Just kidding, you’re probably pledging, you can’t get into any bars, and God knows no one in the campus population of 47,000 looks anything like you, and if they do they aren’t 21 either. You are underage, and thus legally prohibited from procuring the sweet lifeblood of the college student known as “alcohol.” So how are you supposed to get booze? You could always ask one of the older guys at the house, but you probably did something to piss them off like fuck up the creed and now they won’t talk to you. So it seems pretty damn difficult, if not somewhat impossible to get booze. What do you do? Fortunately for you there are plenty of techniques for getting your whistle wet even though you might not quite be of age. They involve a little trickery, and more importantly confidence, but if you use them correctly you won’t have a problem next time you are trying to score some hooch.
The first good move you can make in trying to acquire is getting to know your house’s social chair. Chances are you are already bringing in pallets of beer for the guy before the parties start anyway, next time he goes on a run try to go with him. I used to walk into the same liquor store every weekend just to help our social chair carry handles, and after a while the guy behind the register just knew my face. Since we were dropping thousands of dollars at the same establishment all semester, he always liked seeing us walk in and wouldn’t even bother to card me. The walk-in establishes a relationship between you and the guy behind the counter. Relationships are key. If an establishment gets busted by the authorities for selling to minors it will most likely be because they didn’t card a minor purposely sent in by liquor patrol (or whatever that state’s alcohol enforcement branch is called). So if the people know you, they won’t have as much (if any) reservation selling to you. They probably know you aren’t 21, but you’re spending money and are sure to coming back, making you golden.
For the night scene there are a lot of places that allow 18+ but only band those who are legal to drink. If you can’t seem to find a fake I.D. then these are the places you should stick to. There tends to be cover at these bars and it’s for an obvious reason: bathroom bombs. Everyone and their brother probably went to this place when they were freshman, and it is because they don’t I.D. you in the fucking bathroom. The owners know you go there to drink underage, so it is going to be a little pricier, but hey what’s money on a Friday night? The process of drinking here is as simple as “bathroom bomb” sounds. Step 1: give someone who is banded three to five dollars. Step 2: go to bathroom and slam that whiskey like it was the last one on Earth. Step 3: repeat infinitely. Staff usually knows this is going on, so just watch your six. And seriously man, stop sketching out, it’s a drink not an 8-ball. You are starting to freak out the girls.
If you do manage to come by a fake I.D., remember that you are committing a crime by using it. A lot of bouncers are probably just going to take the fake or simply turn you down at the door, but there is always a risk involved in using someone else’s form of identification. You have to be smart, and you have to be confident. One of the most effective ways of passing off a fake I.D. is bunching in line with people who are clearly 21. If you go in right behind someone who also gets turned down for using a fake, chances are they are going to look right at you and assume you are trying to sneak past them too. Even though the bouncer is right, don’t let him be. Go with people who will for sure get in. It allows the bouncer to lower his guard and you won’t have to worry about getting that I.D of the brother who graduated five years ago jacked by some meathead.
If a butt sex joke just popped into your head, that’s cool, a couple crossed my mind too. But don’t be fooled, butt sex is NOT the issue here. A handful of bars have backdoors and these are entrance points which are typically better to go through if you look like a 15-year-old boy genius who gained early acceptance to whatever school you’re at. The reason is because a lot of bouncers thrown to the back of the club are typically a little buzzed. Also, the line isn’t as hectic so they tend to be in a better mood. I’ve been to plenty of places where I was turned down at the front just to take a lap around to the back and get in without any hassle. This should probably be used in conjunction with bunching if your I.D. is bad, but I never said using that half-Asian R.A.’s license you found during preview was a good idea, so I’m not making any promises.