It was the summer of 2005, and I was a 14-year-old living overseas. My friends and I were attending a prestigious school as the spoiled sons of oil tycoons, CEOs and diplomats. Unlike you soft fucks, my weekend wasn’t spent playing video games in my parents’ basement or jacking off to old Playboy magazines. We were on the fast track of life with too much money and not enough supervision, on a booze and drug-addled journey to rage in the most decadent city on Earth: Bangkok, Thailand.
On the day in question, my friends and I told our parents we were going to see a movie downtown and wouldn’t be back until late. We had my driver drop us off by the movie theater to avoid suspicion, and then promptly made our own way to the Red Wagon street bar where we intended to drink ourselves stupid, and then drink some more. The air was thick with the scent of street dogs, poor people and weird Asian street food (which smelled strangely like the street dogs). We ordered a couple buckets of Jack Daniels and coke, and then proceeded to drink ourselves retarded. After polishing off several more buckets, our young livers were taking a beating. Conversation had long since turned to what most drunken conversations between bros turn to: pussy. To this day I don’t know who suggested it. Hell, it could’ve been me. But none of us knew the depths of depravity we would descend to that night.
The decision was made. We were going to a ping pong show. After slamming back a couple more shots of Jack, hacking a few darts, and watching our friend puke all over a street dog and then rally, we called a taxi. A short cab ride later, and we arrived at our destination (i.e a fucked up Thai whore house). We were barely able to contain our adolescent excitement as we entered the building. The smell of this piece of shit building stil haunts me to this day. It can only be described as a mixture of pussy juice, hard liquor, sewage, and a hint of semen. Thankfully, after almost throwing up all over the first Thai hooker I saw, I got used to it. It’s odd. I never thought the first time I’d see a pussy in real life it would be used to blow bubbles, shoot out ping pong balls, or smoke a cigarette, but that was only the beginning of the messed up shit I saw this coked out, dirt poor, Asian dick puppet do. It’s impossible to fully realize the diverse abilities of a pussy until you see one of these shows. I mean, these Thai hookers were doing things with their cunts that I can’t even do with both hands and a bottle of Adderall. If there was such a thing as an ambidextrous pussy, this was it.
Now I’m not going to sit here and describe all these twisted acts for you sick fucks to get off to (those can be found HERE), but let’s just say the hippie fucks at PETA would probably object to what was done to those frogs. I left that show a shadow of my former self. Not until my first dixie show during rush would I see something on an equally fucked up level. To this day, ping pong balls and pussy are irrevocably connected in my mind. So what did I take away from this experience, you ask? Well, if I learned anything from those dirty, AIDS-ridden sluts, it’s to never underestimate what a combination of strong Kegel muscles and complete lack of morals can accomplish.