In my years of being a sports fan, I’ve seen some pretty weird promotional giveaways. No one can beat the king of sports promotions bobble heads, although 99% of the time they look nothing like the person they’re supposed to be.
As I write this article I even have a poorly made Cory Schneider bobble head staring judgmentally back at me saying “what are you doing with your life, and when will you put your degree to use?” I’ve seen me share of shitty giveaways, too. One time I went to a game that gave away band-aids — fucking band-aids — to everyone there. Like thanks. I guess I’ll use this if I get a paper cute during halftime or something.
I thought that was the worst, until I saw this.
I have a love/hate, mostly hate, relationship with the Baltimore Ravens. For one, as a Giants fan, I’m still pissed about the 2000 Super Bowl, and there’s no way Trent Dilfer should be a Super Bowl champion. On the other hand, Joe Flacco seems like a drunken douchebag I’d hate, but still somehow want to get a beer with?
Tipping the scales this weekend, the Ravens decided to go with, hands down, the weirdest giveaway of all time.
Fans at the Baltimore Ravens home opener won’t be getting promotional bobbleheads. They’ll be getting DNA test kits.
DNA test, interesting, like ancestry.com DNA tests? I just went ahead and assumed they gave out one of those ancestry.com “find out what country you’re from” DNA tests. I hate ancestry.com. It’s a very pretentious website, and a weird one at that.
Their entire business model is basically “yo, I know who your great-great grandmother is, but I’ll only tell you if you give me $50 a month!” When you think of it, they’re basically extorting you for your own family history. Still, those weird DNA test things that say “you’re 50% German, 49% English and .075% Albanian” are expensive. Good for the Ravens for giving away something expensive, I guess?
Oh wait, they didn’t, because that’s not even the DNA tests they gave out. The ones they gave away were much weirder.
Fans who attend Sunday’s game can submit a sample by swabbing inside their cheeks and placing it in a bin at the stadium. The Boston-based biotech firm that is giving the free kits out says the assessment offers “insight into your mind, body and health.”
However, this sort of genetic testing is the subject of scientific debate.
Now I may not be a biology major, but that sounds confusing as all hell. “Insight to body, health, and mind” — isn’t that what guidance counselors and yoga instructors are for? And the fact they threw in “genetic testing” is kind of scary. Are you harvesting our DNA for some weird area 51 cloning program or something? Goddamit, George Lucas made the worst Star Wars movie about this! How many science fiction movies have we had that warned us against genetic testing? Do we have to make another one?
So, the Ravens gave away weird genetic testing, science experiment things as an in-game giveaway. Bold move, Ravens. Maybe next time stick to a Ray Lewis bobble head. Just make sure he’s not wearing a white suit; that’d be a PR nightmare..
[via source goes here]
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