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Bad News For Hipster Dudes: Doctors Issue Health Warning For Skinny Jeans

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Bad News For Hipster Dudes: Doctors Issue Health Warning For Skinny Jeans

Bad news for hipster dudes who like to skateboard around campus in their stupid-ass skinny jeans: you’re going to die.

Not only do those ball-hugging abominations make you look like you swallow, but they restrict blood flow to the legs, causing them to balloon in size during physical activity. The problem is so serious that doctors have issued a health warning, possibly because they care about the well-being of the public, but more likely because they are just as sick as I am of seeing a pretentious toolbag ride by on a bicycle with a basket full of fruit hanging off the front of his handlebars and a sack full of nuts hanging off the side of his seat.

From News 96.5:

Doctors have issued a health warning for the snug-fitting denim after a woman in Australia passed out on a sidewalk because her calves had dangerously swelled up.

BBC News reports that the 35-year-old woman had to be cut out of her skinny jeans that she had been wearing for hours while helping a friend move. Dr. Thomas Kimber notes in the Journal of Neurology, Neurosurgery and Psychiatry that the hours of squatting and kneeling caused her calves to balloon in size, eventually leaving her feet numb and making it difficult to walk.

Doctors believe the woman developed compartment syndrome, a potentially serious condition caused by bleeding or swelling within an enclosed bundle of muscles. Nerve damage and muscle damage can follow.
After spending four days in the hospital, the woman has recovered. Dr. Kimber says tight pants with more elasticity wouldn’t be as dangerous since they don’t squeeze nerves and muscles quite as much.

Hipster dudes, you should be fine as long as you’re not engaging in physical activity, so feel free to squeeze your thighs into a pair of skinny jeans in the comfort of your homes, away from the public eye, listening to Modest Mouse on vinyl while playing Magic: The Gathering, and bonding over how the rest of the college “doesn’t get it.”

As for the ladies, just stick with yoga pants.

[via News 96.5]

Image via Shutterstock

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Alex Buscemi

AKA Boosh. Former high school back-up wide receiver. Author of two pretty successful Reddit comments. Recent grad from the University of South Carolina.

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