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Look How Much Bacteria Is On Your College Bed Sheets, You Dirty Fuck

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I don’t think any of you ever expected an article from us called “You Know Those Bed Sheets You Haven’t Washed Once Despite The Fact That At Least One Drop Of Each Of Your Bodily Fluids Has Touched Them? They’re Totally Clean!,” so this article should come as no surprise to any of you.

It certainly comes as no surprise to me, someone who was known throughout his dorm floor in Sellery Hall at the University of Wisconsin freshman year for sleeping on bed sheets that were so ripped to shreds they could’ve doubled as a sleeping bag.

Original caption when I mobile uploaded this photo to Facebook on March 27, 2012: "The size of the hole in my sheets is dwarfed only by the extent of my laziness regarding buying new ones"

Original caption when I mobile uploaded this photo to Facebook on March 27, 2012: “The size of the hole in my sheets is dwarfed only by the extent of my laziness regarding buying new ones”

Don’t ask me how they got so ripped; I legitimately have no clue. One of my Facebook friends commented “That looks like some rigorous lovemaking jared,” which I can assure you couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s far more likely that a lion on a catnip high escaped from the nearby Vilas Zoo and pawed at it, and there’s exactly a 0% chance that happened.

So now onto the germ talk. went out and swabbed different areas of male and female college dorm rooms to see how germy they were. The unit of measurement when it comes to bacteria is colony-forming units (CFU); the higher the CFU, the more bacteria-ridden the object. Here were their results for male dorm rooms.


The doorknobs, dresser surfaces, and (surprise) bed sheets in the men’s dorm rooms we swabbed all had over 1.5 million CFU/sq. in. of bacteria on average. For comparison, a pet’s food bowl (typically one of the germiest items in a home) has an average of just over 2,100 CFU/sq. in., while the standard house rug has roughly 200,000 CFU/sq. in.


Yikes. If I had to guess, this is mostly due to dudes jerking it in bed, heading over to their dresser to grab some tissues (to cry into, having just committed a mortal sin), then touching the doorknob en route to the bathroom. That’s just a theory, though, and is most certainly not rooted in any reality of which I’ve ever been a part. Here’s dude dorms compared to female dorms.


Great. Now not only do men everywhere have to worry about masking the scent of the poops they sneak in at girls’ places; they have to worry about getting tuberculosis by touching the doorknob and light switch on the way out of the bathroom. That’s starting to sound like a lot of work. I may consider transitioning into just shitting my pants to cut out all the madness. Consider joining me.

There’s a silver lining to all this. If anybody ever asks you if you slept alone last night, you can firmly say that you did not — you slept with 1.5 million sexy sexy one-celled organisms. Considering the human body has around 37.2 trillion cells, these 1.5 million cells effectively account for 1/24,800,000 of a human being. Feel free to take solace in that fact if you’re a weird fucking dude.

For more stats on how disgusting your dorm room is/was, check out the full study on


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Jared Borislow

Jared Borislow (né The DeVry Guy) is a Senior Writer for Grandex Inc and a 2015 graduate of the University of Wisconsin.

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