When it comes to Popes, I’ve always been a Borgia guy. Alexander VI was frat as fuck. Mistresses, murder, bastards, corruption…simony? Paying your way to holiness? It’s like you’re bribing God! Now that’s a TFM.
Though Alexander VI may always be the frattest Pope, I have to say that, as a Catholic, I’ve really come to enjoy Pope Francis. He’s in touch, and it’s a good touch, which is important. Plus he’s not a former Nazi, so there’s that too. The guy is down to Earth, which is evident from his early life, when he worked a number of odd jobs to put himself through school. One of those jobs, according to Francis, was as a bouncer at a bar in Buenos Aires.
Considering that St. Peter, the first Pope, now bounces at the pearly gates, it seems only fitting that his heir on Earth should have some bouncing experience of his own. If we’re being real, bouncing at a Buenos Aires bar is probably more difficult than working heaven’s door, so score one for Pope Francis. How many switchblade fights do you think St. Peter has to break up? You think St. Peter ever has to undergo the daunting task of making drunk bandoleros check their pistols and holsters at the door? And how many times has St. Peter had to work security at a cock fight with a testy crowd? I can pretty much guarantee no one has ever broken a bottle of Fernet over St. Peter’s head. The guy basically just ushers geriatrics to their cloud. If patience is one of the most important virtues a Christian, let alone the Pope, can have, then bouncing at a bar seems like the perfect profession to cultivate it.
Also, I can now picture my Pope like this, which pleases me endlessly:
Just pretend that the guy on the motorcycle is sin (by his own admission he’s a fan of rape and sodomy). And sin is such an asshole, you guys.
The Dalton from Road House/Pope analogy really works, too. Dalton was all about turning the other cheek.
So, there you have it. Pope Francis is Dalton from Road House. I’m not quite sure how we got here, but if the Catholic Church is still wondering how to get young people back in the pews, they just found their best marketing strategy.
I can’t wait for the movie starring Kirk Cameron.
Pope House: Sin Don’t Hurt – Coming 2015.