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Auburn Beta Steals Truck, Kidnaps Woman, And Hits 9 Cars, All To See What Playing Grand Theft Auto Was Like

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The prostitutes of Baton Rouge were lucky Zachary Burgess, a member of Beta Theta Pi at Auburn University, was apprehended before he could live out his real life video game fantasy any further. Burgess, 20, in town for the Auburn-LSU game, apparently just wanted to watch the world burn, and he did a hell of a job trying to make that happen.

According to the arrest report, the incident happened on Saturday shortly before 2:30 a.m. Officers with the Baton Rouge Police Department were called to the Tigerland area in response to a stolen vehicle and erratic driver.

Witnesses said the owner of the truck pulled up in the parking lot of the bar and got out of the vehicle. He left the truck running and a female passenger was sitting in a truck alone. Then, the suspect, Zachary Burgess, 20, of Hoover, Ala., got in and tried to steal the vehicle.

“When he tried to flee the parking lot there were several cars blocking the way,” Cpl. Don Coppola said. “He began ramming into the parked cars.”

The female in the vehicle was reportedly being held in the truck against will. She claims that Burgess “forcibly” held her captive in the truck.

“The passenger was able to jump out of the vehicle and get to safety,” Coppola said.

Burgess allegedly struck a total of nine vehicles.

This is the type of thing people do on bath salts, not game weekend. When asked why he had done all of this, Burgess told officers that he wanted to see what playing Grand Theft Auto was really like.

Listen, pal, we all want to see what playing Grand Theft Auto is really like. You think I don’t want to swerve into the opposite lane when traffic is backed up to bypass all the losers in front of me? You think I don’t want to pull some asshole out of his Banshee Porsche, drive over to a gun store, buy an Uzi, pick up a hooker, make love stains in the backseat of my stolen sports car, and then recoup the money I spent on the Uzi by conspicuously disposing of said hooker? We all have urges, but we control them. That’s what makes us civilized. This isn’t ‘Nam, man. There are rules.

The list of Burgess’ charges is pretty steep.

Burgess was arrested and charged with theft of a motor vehicle, nine counts of hit-and-run and simple kidnapping.

Unfortunately for Burgess, when you play GTA in real life, there’s no R2, R2, L1, R2, UP, DOWN, UP, DOWN, UP, DOWN to bail you out, just some pissed off parents who have to put up some or all of your $80,000 bond.

In other news, Auburn Beta has a shoo-in for its Dumbass of the Year award.



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