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ATO Attacks PIKE With Snow Shovel, Reads Too Much TFM

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I can’t help but feel partially responsible for this one. The Pike jokes have been around for so long on this website that I’ve become numb to them. It’s all been fun and games to this point, though, because as far as I know, the online jokes haven’t yet spilled over into real-life–at least not in a dangerous manner.

That changed around midnight last night at the University of Tennessee at Martin, when a member of ATO started swinging on a Pike with a damn snow shovel. It’s like that old dude in “Home Alone” who saved Kevin’s little bitch ass. The ATO hit the Pike in the shoulder and in the head.

A snow shovel is a tricky weapon because of wind shear. You’re competing with a lot of surface area when swinging that bad boy, but don’t completely discount it. It’s still metal, and it will still fuck you up.

Jordan Whitby, the Pike in this story, described what happened via The Pacer:

“The complainant advised that he had seen someone in the tree line on the east side of the Pike House,” according to a police report obtained from Martin Police Department.

According to the report, Whitby used his cell phone light and went to see who was standing near the tree line. At that time, he observed someone move to the opposite side of the tree.

“He went around to see who this subject was and at this time he was struck with a metal snow shovel on his right arm that knocked the phone and light from his hand,” according to the report.

Whitby was also struck in the head with the shovel before he was able to take it away from the offender, who was identified in the report as Christopher Morris.

When keeping it frat goes wrong.

The assailant, ATO Christopher Morris, is being charged with assault, brutha. There’s one more interesting note from this story:

A green polo hat and the shovel were recovered from the scene and taken into evidence.

Classic, Christopher Morris. Just classic. You a try-hard, dude?

This is the second story we’ve covered today from UTM, and the second time we’ve cited The Pacer. That school has been a gold mine. You guys just keep stealing school newspapers and attacking each other with winter tools, and we’ll keep covering it. I’m kidding, guys. Get your act together. But really, thanks for the material.

The article makes no mention of the condition of Whitby, but we hope he’s okay.

[via The Pacer]

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Dillon Cheverere

Dillon Cheverere (@DCheverere) is the Vice President of Media for Grandex, Inc. Email:

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