Welcome to the ninth edition of “Ask The Intern.” At the beginning of each week I prompt the followers of @TFMintern on twitter to participate by asking me questions of an unrestricted nature. Inquiries can also be emailed to TFMintern@gmail.com. These are my answers to the questions I felt merited a response:
“How long does it take (on average) for a girl to realize you’re peeing in her butt?”
Those unfamiliar with the reason for this question need only check the Comments section of any photo on TFM featuring a female. For reasons beyond my understanding it has become an internet troll tradition to rate a female’s desirability based on whether or not they would pee in her butt. “I’d pee in her butt” is a stamp of approval, expressing the viewer’s satisfaction with the physical attractiveness of the female on display. “I would not pee in her butt” is a statement of disapproval. That being said, I have never attempted nor felt the need to attempt to literally take part in butt peeing, so I have no idea how to answer this question.
“Sleep with Rosie O’Donnell for 3 straight nights or spend 3 days in jail?”
Honestly, and I’m not saying this for laughs, I’d rather spend three days in jail. Rosie O’Donnell continues to climb the list of Top 10 Most Annoying People in the World. Even during some of the funnier scenes on Curb Your Enthusiasm in which she was featured I wanted to choke myself. And I’m not talking autoerotic asphyxiation. She is incredibly unlikeable. I’d rather spend 72-hours with jailhouse riffraff. At least there’d be a chance for interesting conversation.
“Is it weird if I enter the pool with my penis pointed down in my speedo and up when I come out of the pool? Is it weird or do you guys do it too?”
I’d say it depends on the speed and angle you enter the pool. Is there a high dive involved? Insurance rates have made them nearly extinct. Maybe you have an unusually lightweight penis that lacks adequate density and this causes flippage when you are submerged.
“When are the TFM koozies going to be available or for sale to the public?”
Soon. Until then you’ll need to follow me on twitter to participate in contests for the chance to own one.
“This is a really unladylike question, but I have seen some debate lately. Bare, strip, trimmed, other? I wax it all off but witnessed an exchange with some guys saying it creeps them out. So, as the arbiter of taste for my target demographic, what is your preference?”
Most men prefer you have your pubic hair monogrammed. If you think this is unreasonable, then wax it and be proud like the American Bald Eagle.
“I caught my son having sex with a guy and I think he might be gay. Is there a definite way that I can tell?”
Yes, there’s a definite way. If you catch him having sex with a guy, he’s gay.
“What are your thoughts on those GDIs who live similar lifestyles to those in fraternities and sororities?”
American astronauts during the early-60s, fictional television and movie stars, and British rock stars over 60 years old are the only people who have ever lived lifestyles comparable to ours. Everybody knows that. My thoughts are: good for them.
*The views expressed in this column reflect only those of the intern. He is a highly sarcastic and disturbed individual.