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Ask The Intern: Your Questions Answered

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Once in a while I prompt my followers (@TFMintern) on twitter to ask me questions. Inquiries can also be emailed to These questions can be about anything: politics, sports, hard drugs, sexual tendencies, etc. These are my answers to the questions I felt merited a response this week.

“What’s the best way to teach a pledge to dress?”

Your pledges should just dress how the fuck you tell them to dress. But if you’re in some non-hazing friendship club, just lead by example. Hopefully he’ll follow suit when he sees you dressing like a respectable member of society.

“Could Justin Bieber ever be frat? Given 5 years or so?”

Given his current fashion habits, terrible music and overuse of vomit-inducing words like “swaggy,” I’m going to say no. But when he’s 30 years old and pictures emerge of him on a 350-foot yacht with a crew comprised of Brazilian porn stars and European runway models, I’ll still call that a TFM.

“Is it true if you don’t use it, you lose it?”

If the first “it” is your dick and the second “it” is your virginity, then no, so it really depends.

“Write about Chipotle and how much it means to every bro’s life. That was a question.”

From now on I’m going to phrase questions as demands, and follow up with “That was a question.” Now, in regard to your “question,” that is the stupidest fucking suggestion I’ve ever gotten. Chipotle and how much it means to every bro’s life? Come on, man.

“Have you ever slammed any of your female followers?”

Basic rules of twitter: If a girl follows you she’s probably willing to blow you, if she retweets you she’s definitely down to fuck, if she favorites one of your tweets she’s in for anal, and if she hits you with a “follow friday” she watches you sleep at night. In all seriousness, yes I have and no I don’t have a conscience.

“What’s your favorite, most disgusting, weird, horrible thing that you couldn’t post on TFM?”

The most repulsive troll on the internet sent us a picture of him actually urinating in a girl’s butt with a handle of Maker’s Mark in the background along with two beers (one in a RG koozie, the other in a TFM koozie) and his Sperrys. I didn’t sleep for 48 hours, and NO, there’s absolutely no chance I can censor the photo and still post it.

“Is LeBron gonna get his ring this year?”

It’s going to be one hell of a series, probably going to Game 7, but I still think the Thunder will end up taking home the trophy. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if they took the next two games in Miami.

“When is it not acceptable to wear a bow tie?”

I’m not the fucking fashion police, but if you’re the guy that’s wearing a bow tie every time you go out, you’re trying too hard and it hurts other people’s eyes to look at you. Bow ties deserve respect, and should only be worn when the occasion calls for one.

“Any advice for a high school fratstar?”

Graduate from high school, go to college, and stop calling yourself a fratstar before hundreds of blackballs ensure you never become one.

“Beers during lunch…yes or no?”

I usually don’t do beers at lunch if I have shit to do, because “having a couple” and stopping isn’t my strong suit. I just end up taking the rest of the day off and getting shit-hammered. But if you’re not a degenerate, I don’t see a problem with it. I’m not your boss though.

“As an intern myself I often wonder is it ok to take a large shit on company time? Even if it’s the bathroom the patients use?”

I’m going to be honest here, I’m not a work shitter. I really don’t understand people who shit at work, or restaurants, or the bar. There’s nothing worse than walking into a completely silent restroom, walking up to the urinal, whipping it out, preparing to unleash your stream, and having your concentration broken by some sick fuck in the stall who has just started an assault on the public toilet with his gassed up lower intestines. It ruins the entire piss experience, and I never want to be the guy on the other end of that travesty.

“If you were to get an OTPHJ from anyone who works at TFM headquarters, who would it be? (this includes the custodians)”

There’s a curvaceous Guatemalan cleaning lady that I’d let scrub my khakis while they’re still on my body.

“Are there any health benefits when one pees in another’s butt?”

I’m no doctor, but I think it’s safe to assume that there are no positive health benefits that come from rectally absorbing urine of any kind.

“If you had to choose, would you rather your penis be permanently flaccid or permanently hard? Please explain why.”

Psh, easy question. Obviously permanently hard, because at least I could still tape it to my leg or pull the classic belt-boner-tuck. If you’re flaccid forever what’s the point of living? Might as well be a eunuch.

“Are you wearing any underwear?”

Of course I’m wearing fucking underwear. I’m not a European sex criminal.

“Left or right handed masturbation?”

I’m the Lance Berkman of thwacking.

“Devil’s 3-way with Kate Upton and Ron Jeremey (butts get touched by RJ) or 5 minutes of gayness with Gandalf and a solo with Kate?”

Devil’s 3-way with Kate and The Hedgehog. I’d much rather touch butts with this guy than let this guy stuff me with his wizard’s staff.

“Would you rather have a nipple-sized penis or penis-sized nipples?”

Seriously? How do you people come up with these questions? What about nipples that are shaped like dicks? We’re done here.

Follow me on Twitter @TFMintern and if you missed last week’s Fail Friday be sure to check it out HERE, because it was a classic.

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