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Ask The Intern: Let’s Get Weird

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Welcome to the eighth edition of “Ask The Intern.” At the beginning of each week I prompt the followers of @TFMintern on twitter to participate by asking me questions of an unrestricted nature. Inquiries can also be emailed to These are my answers to the questions I felt merited a response:

“If you’re dating a girl, and she lies about her age, should you break up with her?”

Well, this is obviously a highly circumstantial situation. If you’ve been crushing guts and she’s been saying she’s 19 years old, and you find out she’s actually 17, then it’s time to cut and run. Unless you’re in a state where the age of consent is 17 and your casually loose morals allow her classification as a total smokeshow to override the fact that she’s a total sociopath. I mean, she’s in college…right? I don’t know. Ask a pre-law brother.

“If you could talk to any past president, dead or alive, who would it be?”

Millard Fillmore, and I’d say, “Who the fuck are you?”

“Have you ever thought about becoming an architect?”

Everyone knows that nothing is higher than architect. And there would be an awesome embedded video here if Larry David and NBC weren’t adamant about disabling embedding on Seinfeld YouTube videos, so click this link and watch.

“How do you feel about tall girls who wear heels?”

I don’t have a problem with it, but that’s because I’m 6’2” and not a squatty doofus. I’m sure men of below average stature have issues with women who further exaggerate their height challenged position. To answer your question: I don’t really give a fuck, but if you’re 6’6” in heels then you better be a model. And I don’t mean “model” in the sense that you’ve had one “professional” photo shoot done with a creepy guy behind Hooters. I mean a real runway model.

“Is it creepy to date your therapist?”

I’m pretty sure that sort of thing is frowned upon from the professional standpoint of your therapist, but shit no it’s not creepy on your part. In fact, it’s necessary. Therapy is only FaF if you’re trying to bend your therapist over her desk. It’s NF if you’re sobbing like a bitch and asking her to pass the tissues.

“Is David Hasselhoff still awesome?”

He is worshipped by an entire country (Germany) and his kids filmed him attempting to eat a cheeseburger off the floor when he was blackout. He gained undying awesomeness. Don’t Hassel the Hoff.

“If you had one piece of advice to make me a better pledge, what would it be?”

Shut the fuck up, do what you’re told, and don’t be a rat.

“Have you ever pulled The Bucking Bronco on a girl? Slammin’ doggie, pull out and ram it in her back door and hold on.”

No, because I actually enjoy getting laid, you disturbingly awesome son of a bitch.

“Do you shit with the door open or the door closed?”

I’m a privacy shitter. I’m not the guy who thinks it’s funny to show everyone in the house his asshole, or helicopter his dick around on the balcony during the middle of a party, or thwack you on the balls when you walk by for no fucking reason. In fact, I hate that guy. Fuck you. I shit with the door closed.

*The views expressed in this column reflect only those of the intern. He is a highly sarcastic and disturbed individual.

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