Welcome to the fifth edition of “Ask The Intern.” At the beginning of each week I prompt the followers of @TFMintern on twitter to participate by asking me questions of an unrestricted nature. Inquiries can also be emailed to TFMintern@gmail.com. These are my answers to the questions I felt merited a response:
“What is the meaning of life as an intern? If your sister didn’t do ass-to-mouth you would have nothing to do with TFM.”
When I accepted this internship I felt a dark cloud cover my soul as God turned his back on me, so the meaning of life actually did change quite a bit. Instead of salvation and living a life worthy of the kingdom of heaven I now only care to receive as many “Nice Moves” as possible before I perish. And I don’t have a sister, you sick bastard.
“Would you rather never be able to drink again or never have sex for the rest of your life?”
I would have to go the rest of my life without drinking. There is some undiscovered amount of sex that would make me forget about alcohol, but the amount of booze it would take for me to forget about sex would literally kill me.
“Have you ever actually peed in a girls butt? If so, how did she react?”
“What benefits do you get for being the TFM intern?”
Other than an extremely questionable addition to my resume, I get as much free republican propaganda from Frocketees.com as I want, and I make it rain TFM koozies that aren’t yet available to the public.
“What’s your average bar tab and what’s your bar drink of choice?”
My tab range depends entirely on how shitfaced I am when I arrive at the bar and the amount of time that’s passed since the last time my dad told me to go fuck myself…just like everyone else. Deep Eddy straight has been my drink of choice lately, at least until I black out. After that for some reason I only drink Dewar’s.
“Ever had an STD? If so, what was it and how’s it going?”
Scabies. I don’t like to talk about it.
“Better fraternity movie: Animal House or Old School?”
“Old School” isn’t bad, but when you strip it down it’s about a bunch of old losers forming a quasi-fraternity and then recruiting misfits and outcasts as pledges. I am yet to see a movie that overtakes “Animal House.”
“Will there ever be a TSM intern?”
If you think you’re reasonably funny and witty, and you’re 100% positive you can form a cohesive thought, then you can send inquiries about contributing to firstname.lastname@example.org. Obviously the NS need not apply.
“There is an atheist group on campus called Atheist Agenda that trades porn for Bibles. What would be the best way to haze them?”
I’m disappointed that you didn’t immediately assemble your pledge army to storm their porn tent and commandeer all pornography to be relocated into your room. No need to haze the atheists. They’ve already accepted their bid for an eternal pledgeship in the fiery circle of hell right below mine.
“What is your favorite Madonna song?”
“How many butts can you pee in before becoming dehydrated?”
“Want to come to one of our formals?”
Maybe. That depends on my schedule and your willingness to get weird. You can never know my real name, and if we get freaky you have to yell “FaF” repeatedly during sex.
“Is it possible to go from slampiece to take-home-to-meet-the-fam-piece?”
While your odds of becoming a long-term girlfriend worthy of meeting his family significantly decrease when you’ve allowed yourself to be classified as a slampiece, it is possible to slowly position yourself for a transition. This is a rare feat, but I’ve seen it happen. The conversion must take place over time, so that he’ll forget you were once nothing more than a late night pound pad. The hardest part will be getting him to hang out with you sober and respect you.
“Would you rather have to drink your own urine through Michael Jordan’s sock or get blue balls from Kate Upton?”
“If you had the chance to haze anyone in the world, who would you haze and how?”
The lead singer of Green Day. I’d string him up by his toes in a room wallpapered by nothing but American flags and a $20,000 sound system, then blast “American Idiot” on repeat and leave him there for days.
“How do you feel about a girl asking you on a date?”
Sometimes a change of pace is extremely refreshing. If she says, “We should go out some time,” then that’s great. If she says, “Can I take you out to dinner?” then that’s not great.
“How about a little word association? Say the first thing that pops into your head with each one.”
- “Pledge” Clean.
- “Patriotism” Marcus Luttrell.
- “College football” Teaser.
- “2nd Amendment” Fire at will.
- “Hard work” Pays off.
- “Taxes” Fucking suck it liberals.
- “Graduation” Please no not yet.
- “Marriage ” Please no not yet.
- “Rush” Thank God it’s over.
- “Vacation” BVIs.
- “I just got paid” Let’s go to the bar.
- “2012” Terrible fucking movie.
*The views expressed in this column reflect only those of the intern. He is a highly sarcastic and disturbed individual.