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Ask The Intern

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Welcome to the third edition of “Ask the Intern.” At the beginning of each week I prompt the followers of @TFMintern on twitter to participate by asking me questions of an unrestricted nature. Inquiries can also be emailed to These are my answers to the questions I felt merited a response:

“Can I have your job so the intern won’t be a whiny bitch?”

No, Positive Polly, you can’t. But thanks for starting this column off on an encouraging note.

“Hookah Night: A good or bad rush event?”

That would be, without a doubt, the most bottom-tier rush event in the history of fraternities. It actually pains me to imagine such an extreme degree of NF…sitting around a hookah, smoking “cherry blossom” flavored tobacco, discussing the versatile ways in which to utilize the frayed strings hanging from the bottom of American Eagle cargo shorts.

“If she can’t stand up but is still muttering semi-coherent sentences is it still ok to go in for the kill?”

If she’s your girlfriend and she’s a paraplegic…maybe. Otherwise you could end up facing some pretty serious criminal charges.

“Are some TFMs and pictures posted purely so you can read everybody’s reactions?”

Occasionally I post a TFM or picture and think to myself, “Holy shit the comments are going to be priceless.” I might have a sick subliminal fetish that causes me to enjoy being called a “fucking GDI piece of shit.” Maybe it puts lead in my pencil when someone demands my balls are “hazed off in the basement.” I just don’t know anymore.

“Who would you rather bone, Meg Ryan or Jack Nicholson?”

Jack Nicholson now, or 1974?

“How do you feel about the Norts & rain boots combo?”

If an extremely unattractive girl with large cankles is wearing Norts & rain boots I might be slightly more repulsed than I already was by her looks. Otherwise, I don’t give a shit.

“Are you a butt, boobs, or legs kinda guy? Will you reveal who you are once your internship is over?”

I have a fine appreciation for curves, and if the day ever comes where a man is forced to decide between butt, boobs, or legs, then I guess I’ll have to pick one. Until then I will continue to enjoy all three.

In regard to your second question: like Batman, I will never reveal my identity.

“If you could change one thing about the world what would it be?”

I would have everyone who thinks I’m the same guy as Sterling Cooper immediately wiped from the face of the earth.

“Would you rather an ugly girl in a top house or a hot girl in a bottom?”

Her letters are her letters. Not my problem. I’d nail the hot girl in the bottom. And yes, that’s a double entendre.

“Is there anything fratty about putting a ring on it? Many posts on here are about shacking up with no strings attached, and that’s all well and good but eventually it’s time to reward her with a Mrs. status right?”

You’re skipping a few steps if you go from “shacking with no strings attached” to “rewarding her with a Mrs. status.” But yeah, eventually you’ve got to lock that down, and putting a ring on it can definitely be a TFM. Every freedom you once knew will be gone, but at least you’ll get to throw a kick ass wedding for all your brothers to rage at as you pass on to the next life.

“What do you think of Texas A&M joining the SEC?”

It’s a real kick in the nuts to the University of Texas, and it’ll be interesting to see how it plays out for A&M in terms of football. Overall, I say good for them. I like to see someone shaking things up in the NCAA.

“What’s your opinion on Maryland’s awful uniforms?”

I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume those were one big, successful publicity stunt. I mean they looked like purposely awkward, clashing lacrosse jerseys.

“Who is on your Mt. Rushmore of greatest Americans to ever live?”

John Wayne, Ronald Reagan, Nolan Ryan, Hunter S. Thompson. Boom.

“What are your thoughts on the rumors of Bachmann pulling out of the race soon?”

Translation: “I’m going to lob a slow-pitch softball changeup right over the plate. Will you knock it out of the park?”

Yes, I will swing at your sandwich setup.

Answer: Maybe Bachmann will get back to being submissive in the fucking kitchen like she was before.

“What kind of bear is best?”

Black Bear.

“If you could choose two men to be behind and in front of you on an elephant walk, who would they be?”

I’m done here…

*The views expressed in this column reflect only those of the intern. He is a highly sarcastic and disturbed individual.

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