Ask Intern Sydney

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1. If you had to pick between eating a jar of jelly off of Dan’s belly or wearing Dorn’s sweaty underwear for a full week after he’s worked out, which would it be and why?

Let’s look at the options. First, in the amount of time it would take me to eat a full jar of jelly, I imagine it would begin to crust to Dan’s woolly mammoth body hair. Second, there’s no way Dorn works out hard enough for his undies to be sweaty after a few 15 lb. curls and a mile on the stairmaster. I’m gonna have to go with Dorn’s undies.

2. Saw your articles on TFM. Big fan. You seem like a pretty chill girl so I’ll cut to the chase. I’m a junior SAE at Yale and I’m going to be working in finance in Manhattan this summer. Was wondering if you’d be in the area and if so want to get a drink or come out to the Hamptons with me and some of my friends. Let me know if you’re interested and we can hammer out logistics.

Yale? Finance? Manhattan? Drinks? Hamptons?

Call me.

3. Hey Syd, how fantastic of a pickup line would it take for me to get your digits?

Was that supposed to be your pickup line to get my number? That was terrible.

4. What is your motivation to build your social media accounts? Do you have a goal? Why do they even matter to you?

There was never any goal or motivation. I just gained a lot of followers over time. Why does it matter? I get sent a ton of free shit, offered jobs, and get the occasional DM slide from a professional athlete. I think those are good enough reasons.

5. Would you rather have a bear as a friend that SOMETIMES kills your friends/family BUT always takes the side of your boyfriend in an argument or have a shitty step dad named Terence?

The first scenario is a lose-lose situation. I’m not sure why that would even be one of the options in this. Obviously I pick Terence.

6. Sydney, I could really use some more Insta followers, how did you get so many? I would greatly appreciate some sound advice on how to gain hella followers. Also, will you follow me?

I’m a big fan of crop tops, apparently my followers are too. And, no.

7. Chick in my rotation is 24, just learned her ex is a 52 year old Brazilian guy, what does that say about her? Should I keep it to a pump and dump thing or immediately cease and desist?

“Chick in my rotation” leads me to believe you’re a douchebag. “Pump and dump” confirms this. She should go back to the Brazilian dilf.

8. You have to be the middle in a human centipede and the other 2 people joining you are Bacon and Dan. Who’s in front and who’s in the back?

I’ve never seen Bacon eat, but with all the protein shits I imagine Dan gets, I’d have to choose him as the caboose.

9. Hello, my question to you is the meaning of life to you?

I tried to answer this question, but literally all I could think about was how awful the structure of that sentence was set up.

10. What’s the best real date you’ve ever been on?

First dates are always awkward. My previous boyfriends were pretty terrible and didn’t take me on dates, besides the time I was taken to a mall food court on Valentine’s Day.

11. Would you rather have finger sized nipples or nipple sized fingers?

I guess fewer people would see the finger sized nipples.

12. You never seem to answer questions about sexual stuff I know you got to get asked them. Why is this?

The questions I answer on here are pretty PG rated compared to half the emails in my inbox right now. I’d rather go blind than see the look on my grandma or future employer’s face reading about a crazy hookup or my opinions of #buttstuff2k16.

13. Do you actually answer the questions that get posted on TFM?

No, I’m just an intern that has an intern to answer my questions.

14. I’ve noticed that you’ve never been included on the “Girls Tell All” pieces. Would you provide your two cents on the questions that have been posed to the rest of the female contributors?

My “Ask Intern Sydney” articles essentially are the exact same thing. For your convenience, I’ll pick a few to answer for the next following questions.

15. What hints do guys never pick up on?

Any hint that has ever been hinted at. You can’t hint things to guys. It goes right over their heads. You just gotta tell it like it is at the risk of sounding like a psychotic biotch.

16. What’s your least favorite thing about frat guys?

I hate when fraternity guys hate other guys solely because they’re in a different fraternity. I’ll admit, girls are guilty of this too, but guys are by far the worst about it.

17. What causes you to friend zone a guy?

I hate to say it, but being too nice is definitely a turnoff and is probably the reasoning for most friend zone relationships. Girls (and guys) like a chase, not someone who’s going to wait on you hand and foot within the first week of meeting them. BUT THIS DOES NOT MEAN YOU SHOULD BE AN ASSHOLE. FIND THE HAPPY MEDIUM.

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Mac and cheese enthusiast. First runner-up for most humorous in high school. D-list celebrity. Professional social media stalker.

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