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Apparently Semen Facial Treatments Are Cool Now But Swallowing Is Still Taboo?

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facial swallowing

I’ve heard of a lot of weird health trends — putting an onion in your sock or drinking apple cider vinegar, for example — but this shit takes the cake: eating or slathering one’s self in splooge. Yes, you read that right. Semen, cum, splooge, baby juice, sperm, or whatever term you prefer. Covering yourself in it. Many women find the thought of swallowing repulsive, but apparently some are totally fine with taking a frothy load and smearing it on their faces or whipping it up to an even higher degree of frothiness in a smoothie.

From Ranker:

Women are coming out and preaching the benefits of consuming sperm and using it in facial treatments. After all, that sticky substance does actually contain proteins, vitamins, and minerals. . . . But should you really eat sperm, or slather it all over your face? There’s not a ton of scientific research that says you can’t but, of course, it’s really a personal decision.

Okay, yes, it is true that cum has large amounts of zinc, vitamin C, and proteins, but many of the other vitamins and minerals it contains are only found in trace amounts. Furthermore, it seems that all of these sploogemonkeys are forgetting how vitamins and other nutrients work. These substances all need to be absorbed and transported by the body in order to be effective. None of these people are citing research that discusses whether a fat load of zinc within a fat load can be absorbed by the skin and, if so, how well. So, overall, I’m pretty critical of the whole cum facial thing. The only guarantee I can see is that if you do one of these facials before going to a nightclub with black lights on the dance floor, you will look absolutely terrifying.

As for eating splooge — which is the second of only two ways to utilize cum as God intended — I must concede that it probably kinda works. Your digestive system is meant to extract nutrients from what you eat, even if it is a shot of what must be very confused sperm. But please, unless it’s the conclusion to a blowjob, don’t eat jizz. Just take a multivitamin like a normal fucking person.

But, if you do decide to be dumb and spread cum all over yourself, you should know that there are some risks to be aware of.

While some people may praise semen for its supposed health benefits and use it in a variety of ways, doctors believe this bizarre trend may not be so great.

There are several ways that coating yourself in man goo can go awry. It’s been suggested that the testosterone in semen can cause acne if it soaks into your pores. Also, some people are actually allergic to cum. Yes — their lady parts, faces, and skin can swell after contact and other symptoms of an allergic reaction can also occur. Some of you sick fucks may be thinking, “Huh, an allergic reaction is rare, and this doesn’t seem so bad otherwise.” Well guess what? It gets much, much worse. If the semen you manage to procure is infected with an STD (yes, STD; fuck you, I’m old school) like chlamydia, gonorrhea, or herpes, you can get either a version of that infection in the eye that gives you a hellish case of pussy pink eye, or you can get literal eye herpes.

So yeah, I hope you think twice before drinking splooge or covering your face with it. Best case scenario, you absorb a small amount of nutrients that you could’ve gotten from normal fucking food. Worst case scenario, you turn out to be allergic to dude goo and it gives your eye chlamydia and herpes. I think the choice is clear: just say no. But apparently there are already plenty of weirdos who are pushing this trend. As for me, I’ll only be feeding people my potential spawn the old-fashioned way.

[via Ranker]

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Peter Drinklage

That's what I do. I drink, and I know things. A real-life neanderthal who thinks he can write.

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