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I was a little shit when I was younger. Not the poorly-behaved child that you want to punch in the face when they’re throwing a fit in the freezer section of Walmart because they can’t have their ice cream sandwiches, but always just doing the wrong thing I guess. So without further ado, an apology to my parents for the following:
That Time I Pissed Myself
Imagine you’re at work and you receive the call, “Hello, Mrs. Master Flex? Your son has just peed his fucking pants like a little bitch and needs you to come change him and bring his wet clothes home in a plastic bag.” Yup, my parents got that call. I’d pissed then sat in my pee pants, too embarrassed to tell my kindergarten teacher until I had to stand up and she saw I’d had an accident.
My mom arrived at the main office wrapped in a towel and obviously upset. She tried to comfort me through gritting her teeth while trying to ignore the gazes of the office attendants, but I could tell she was absolutely pissed (ha) at me. I can also tell that she still resents me for it to this day.
That Time I Embarrassed You At A New Jersey Devils Game
We used to make frequent trips to NJ Devils games, as my family are big hockey fans. You know what they say about kids being sponges? Well, 8-year-old me decided it was time to step up and get all the fans in the building fired up. So I decided to yell something I knew would get the crowd to cheer because I’d heard it before and everyone LOVED it. My time to shine came when the ref called a bad penalty. 8-year-old me stood up moments later — a silent crowd waiting to hear my roar — and screamed “GET OFF YOUR KNEES, REF, YOU’RE BLOWING THE GAME!”
The crowd loved it; a mix of laughs and gasps and “holy shit what are those parents teaching him?” Now I had no clue what this insult meant, but when I looked over at my Dad I could tell it wasn’t something an 8-year-old should’ve said. A mix of the who, what, when, where, why and “how the fuck” came across my pop’s face. So many questions that I did not have the answer to besides “I knew it would turn the arena into an electric factory.” Safe to say I was denied chicken fingers and popcorn for the rest of the game, instead replaced with a stern talking-to about bad words and phrases.
That Time I Made The Police Hate You Guys
My favorite thing to do as a kid was ride my bike around the driveway. One day I was doing just so when I decided to go on a hunt for gum, which I knew was in my mother’s car. So I dropped my bike mid-driveway and ran into my mom’s car determined to encounter some minty freshness. When my Mom came out to check on me and I was nowhere to be seen — my bike sitting in the middle of the driveway, probably with a dramatic slow spin on the back tire — she naturally freaked out and ran in and out of the house yelling for me. I was too distracted by the need to find gum to answer her, however.
Now just for background, I used to live in a heavily wooded area in a large valley and frequently had bears walking around my house. So yeah, my mother was understandably scared shitless. She called the cops fearing the worst, and just after they came I gleefully hopped out of the back of the car and began riding my bike again — which obviously didn’t paint a good picture of my poor mother. The police scolded both of us and I got yelled at by my parents to never do that again. I decided to just ask my parents to get me my own packs of gum from then on. Lesson learned.
That Time I Stole A Bra From Victoria’s Secret For Mom
*Lets out big sigh, places fingers on keyboard*
This is cringeworthy. Nothing says “I love you, Mom” like a nice supportive Victoria’s Secret bra, right?
I was just a young feller; maybe 6 years old. My mom had taken me shopping with her. Whilst walking around, I saw a very comfortable-looking bra that I thought she would enjoy. God, it just felt weird writing that. I swiped the bra and somehow stole it. I don’t know where I put it or how I snuck it out, but I did. So ultimately my ,om went ahead and decided to take the bra back.
“Sorry, my little weird-ass klepto son decided to get me a nice bra (???) and somehow stole it without anyone noticing.”
I don’t know if she was mad or just scared that this would be indicative of how the rest of my life would play out. That had to be a tough one for her to go through. Must’ve been hard to look at me for the remainder of the day.
So yeah… Sorry..