Moms worry. It’s what they do. It doesn’t matter if you’re playing sports, driving on long road trips or dating that new chick she’s still unsure of, she is always worried something bad will happen to you. It’s on page 1 in the Mom Guide. It’s her nature, and it’s because she loves you. This becomes exponentially truer when you leave her nest for college.
She has to keep in touch with you.
CLICK HERE to read part 1 of the email exchange if you missed it.
Subject: Just Thinking About You
Date: March 18, 2013 9:16 AM
It’s your mother again. I gave you a few days to cool down before checking on you. I hope you’re okay, son. You know how your father and I worry so. You’re our only son for crying out loud!!! We care so much — so much that you’ll never understand until you have a child of your own one day.
Your father and I talked after those last emails that we read from you. While we are still very upset at the language used, it’s clear you were not yourself. Your father explained to me the whole pledge-active thing and how it works, so now I know you were under so much stress. We’ll discuss it more at a later time when you’re home with us, but that’s not the sweet Carl we know and love so much.
Please email back and let us know you’re okay. Or heck, maybe even you’re doing great!
P.S. Baxter isn’t mad at you!
Subject: Re: Just Thinking About You
Date: March 18, 2013 11:40 AM
I’m so, so, SO sorry. I’ve been meaning to call or email you back, but after acting so shamefully, I felt too embarrassed. Please forgive me. I wasn’t myself at all. I was so angry. So humiliated. So stressed. I love you guys.
The good news is a lot has changed in the last couple days. Things are looking up! I had a nice sit-down conversation with our chapter president. He cleared a lot of things up for me. It turns out the active member who tossed me into a wall like the Incredible Hulk would a midget had just lost his grandfather due to pancreatic cancer. Apparently they were pretty close. Throw in some preexisting anger problems and about 20 beers, and that’s a recipe for disaster. Honestly, I feel bad for the guy now.
The shoulder feels better and our president promised me that things would get a lot better for me. Talk to you soon. Love ya.
P.S. Hey, Bax!
Subject: Re: Re: Just Thinking About You
Date: March 18, 2013 12:21 PM
20 BEERS?!?!?! Holy smokes, Carl!
No wonder he wanted to hurt someone. He was so DRUNK! And so sad about his grandpa. You better not be drinking all those beers like that. Bad things happen when people drink too many beers. Oh, what am I saying? LOL. Of course you know that. Hello…? You’re the one with the separated shoulder!
Anyway, we’re so glad to hear you’re doing better. How are your classes going?
P.S. Baxter is cuddled up next to my feet right now. I love it when he cuddles with me! My little snug bug!
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Just Thinking About You
Date: March 19, 2013 3:05 PM
Classes are fine, mom.
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Just Thinking About You
Date: March 19, 2013 3:35 PM
Carl Aaron Kaslowski! You tell me how your classes are going please! “Fine” doesn’t tell me anything, mister. We want a 3.5 minimum. You’re such a smart person. Bad grades would only mean you’re not applying yourself.
Also, please tell me why I received a text message from your phone at 3 in the morning that read, “We have Cack here with us. He’s tied up, gagged and blindfolded. SEND TITTIES OR WE’RE GONNA KILL HIM. YOU HAVE ONE HOUR.” That was wildly inappropriate, sir. I don’t even know anyone named Cack. Is he a pledge friend of yours? Is he alright? Tell your silly friends I will never show them my breasts! Those are only for Mr. K! Haha j/k.
But honestly, Carl, I did not find that text message amusing. You’re lucky I didn’t show it to your father. He would not have been a happy camper!
Love you bunches,
P.S. The 3 AM text disturbed Bax. You know he needs his beauty sleep! 🙂
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Just Thinking About You
Date: March 19, 2013 11:48 PM
Mom, Cack is me. I am Cack. Look at my initials. C-A-K sounds like Cack. And sorry for using dirty language again, but Cack is pretty similar to COCK. Basically everyone I know in college right now refers to me by a goddamn dick, mom. People call me Cack, even some people I don’t know. “Oh, you must me that Cack kid. I heard Mrs. Cack has some nice titties.” That’s the shit I hear from random people.
So, thanks for those initials.
You want to know what else? Do you!? That text message was only half a joke. I WAS actually tied up, gagged, and blindfolded. My whole pledge class was. They taunted us with sexually-charged homoerotic threats.
This place is hell. Oh, but don’t worry, I have to report to the house right now. I just received a fucking text about it. See you later, if I’m still alive.
P.S. I dare you to “P.S.” something about Baxter again. That little hairy rat bastard fuck.
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Just Thinking About You
Date: March 20, 2013 12:01 AM
Oh no, Carl. You’re doing it again. What’s happening to you, my sweet baby boy? Please just stop what you’re doing and come home now. PLEASE. College is making you change. Please don’t do this to me.
Scared out of my mind (so is Baxter),
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Just Thinking About You
Date: March 20, 2013 2:12 AM
Mom, listen. I can’t believe I’m about to ask you to do this, but the actives won’t let us out of the basement until they get to see your tits. I think they mean business, too. Please just send them something. Some areola, maybe some cleavage, SOMETHING. Oh God this is awful. I don’t know what else to do. They let me come upstairs to send you this then I have to go right back down to the basement and get blindfolded again. They’re all waiting on me.
Maybe just find some breasts on the internet and pretend they’re yours. Then text them to my phone. Please. I don’t know how much longer we can last down there.
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Just Thinking About You
Date: March 20, 2013 2:14 AM
You’re a monster, Carl.