Today, myself and cast members of the soon to be released fraternity comedy “Neighbors” will be hitting College Station, Tx. to challenge Texas A&M students in a flip cup tournament. We aren’t playing nice, and we aren’t flipping around. If you think we are, you can take a big step back and flip your own face. Dave Franco, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Jerrod Carmichael, and I are there to chug beers, drop cups, and take lives — also to do a Q&A and screen the movie “Neighbors” but that comes after. First, though, it’s all business.
Lest you Aggies think you can outdrink our dream team, based on pure Texas grit and the assumption that any real man can outdrink three “Hollywood pussies” and “A fat, gay baby” according to Twitter, there is something you should remember: these actors are all method. They’ve been training to be in a fraternity movie for months. Prior to filming, Dave Franco would awake every morning and shotgun a Steel Reserve tallboy. Then he would do 1000 pull ups, where, above the bar, rested a large hamster bottle filled with Wild Turkey, from which Franco suckled after every rep. Eventually Franco’s piss smelled of oak and had a proof of 70.
Christopher Mintz-Plasse, meanwhile, fashioned an IV out of a bag of Franzia and some beer bong tubing. He kept that on drip for three months, changing the bag daily. Chris’s blood became so alcoholic that his bodily scent drove a group of Los Angeles hobos to vampirism, and they attempted rip Chris apart and drink his blood, which was now the biological equivalent of MD 20/20. Thankfully Chris’s drunk strength was at nearly superhuman levels, and he fought off the bloodthirsty vagrants. Mintz-Plasse also provided limitless Rumple Minze to the entire cast of Neighbors, as his family is of the Rumple Minze fortune (they changed their name during WWI to sound less Kaiser-y).
Jerrod Carmichael, on the other hand, had a far simpler approach: drink however many cans of Busch it would take to recreate an exact, to scale replica of the mountain on the Busch can. Seven people died attempting to scale Jerrod’s completed Busch can mountain. All of them were GDIs.
And me? Fuck you.
Our team is set, and so now we must set the field. It was tough, I’ll be honest. Everyone seemed so beatable that we really weren’t sure who to choose. Finally, though, we settled on what seemed like a field of worthy challengers, or, more accurately, the least easy teams to beat. Below is the field. As you will notice, we’ve given our team a three round bye. For those of you complaining, I’d hold my hands up and say we don’t make the rules, but we literally, in fact, do make the rules, and that was what we settled on. It’s a power move.
Bring it, A&M.