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Anarchists Might Attack the Political Conventions by Throwing Acid Filled Eggs…Yeah, Really

You’ve got to love anarchists. They’ve got so much flair. They’re like the Aerosmith of violent, irrational political groups. They’ve been around forever, but you’ve never met anyone who particularly likes them very much. And unlike other extreme groups, who sorta strike whenever there’s nothing on TV, anarchists are like clockwork. They always show up for the big, globally important events. International trade meetings, visits from foreign leaders, and (as we’ll soon discover) political party conventions. Take it away, Fox News:

Federal authorities are urging law enforcement agencies across the country to watch out for signs that extremists might be planning to wreak havoc at the upcoming political conventions — by blocking roads, shutting down transit systems and even employing what were described as acid-filled eggs.

Okay, so yeah, normal stuff. Blockades, attacking transportation, acid eggs…wait, what? That doesn’t even sound like a real thing. I Googled it, couldn’t find instructions anywhere, which is a bummer, because it stands to reason that if you can fill eggs with acid, you can fill them with booze, too.

My hypothesis? Genetically mutated chickens. Some enterprising anarcho-scientist fucked around with our favorite edible bird’s DNA, and now is in possession of the weirdest biological weapon I’ve ever heard of. Seems like a lot of work though. I’m just spitballing here, but couldn’t you put acid in a small glass jar and just throw that? Seems easier, but what I do I know? I’ve never had the urge to melt someone’s face off before.

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Sterling Cooper

Sterling Cooper is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move and Post Grad Problems. He has never understood why people like sand, and has been in a bitter ten year rivalry with Muggsy Bogues, for reasons neither of them choose to reveal.

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