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An Open Letter To My Penis

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An Open Letter To My Penis

Hey man, how’s it hangin’? High and tight, as usual, I see. Look, I’ve known you my whole life. I’ve watched you grow from a tiny speck of flesh into the full-grown, slightly larger man you’ve become. We’ve been through everything together, but I feel like we’ve never really talked before. True, there have been the few times when I shook you and said, “Come on, come on,” when you weren’t performing (I admit that was mostly my fault for drinking all that Fireball), but I mean real talk. Let’s clear the air on a few things and put it all out in the open (not literally, we’ve got trial next Monday for the last time we did that). I want to look you in the eye and thank you for some stuff, but I’ve got a bone or two to pick with you as well. I know you’re more of a doer than a listener, so I’ll try to keep it brief.

• Can I start calling you Li’l Booshie? What about Goku? You both have crazy hair and take a little while to charge your attack. Next time we bone a girl, I can be like “Haaaamay Haaamay Hnnnnnngh!” Get back to me on it.

• I’m sorry for beating you so much. It was all meant in good fun.

• Why aren’t you bigger? Is it because I sleep on my stomach? I always thought that was a myth. Also, that thing we’ve been trying where I tug on you a bunch while soft definitely isn’t working.

• Balls too. Trust me, people are being metaphorical when they say you guys are big.

• Stop randomly standing up in class. It’s distracting for me, and it really took away from my presentation on the Holocaust last week.

• Remember when we did anal with Hallie? Yeah, I know it was only for a second and only happened because I pulled out too far and was inaccurate with my re-entry, but it still counts. High five!

• Don’t worry about throwing up on Becky last weekend. She was cool with it. Oh, and thanks for being able to rally afterwards, even if you only lasted thirty seconds the first time. Props to Becky, by the way. She’s definitely a solid eight. I don’t care what Lucas says.

• I don’t think she was faking it, do you?

• Thanks for never catching anything out there, even though sometimes I forget to put on your rain jacket. I know we had that false alarm with the ingrown hair, though. Don’t scare me like that again.

• You still owe me like twenty boxes of tissues.

• I will not shave your hair into a downwards pointing arrow. So nip that idea in the bud right now. No, not flames either.

• We’re not buying that big ass pickup truck. It will only make you think you’re bigger.

• Sorry for getting soap in your eye in the shower sometimes.

• Learn some self-control. My roommates will never let me live down what you forced me to bring home last month. Half of my foam mattress still has her big, round dent in it. What’s that? I guess you have a point. It was the best head ever.

• Save that one confusing time while we were sleeping when we were thirteen, thanks for never keeping it in your pants.

• You’re welcome for those photos of Kate Upton I had downloaded off Reddit before they were taken down, too.

• At the end of the day, Goku, you’re all I’ve got, and I’m all you’ve got. We’re fucking brothers, man. Ride or die. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I love you, penis.


P.S.: Becky’s vagina is wondering where you are. She can wait.

Image via Shutterstock

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Alex Buscemi

AKA Boosh. Former high school back-up wide receiver. Author of two pretty successful Reddit comments. Recent grad from the University of South Carolina.

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