An Open Letter to Chicks Who Don’t Swallow

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To the women in my life who have refused to swallow,

I get it. I really do. You, in your heart of hearts, believe that swallowing is somehow degrading and gross, and that you’re giving your man an undeserved cookie when you let him play target practice with your tonsils. Let me break down the reasons why you should flush that horse shit mentality and and never look back.

Play the piper to avoid paying the piper.

I have wonderful news. News so sweet that when I say it, you may hear angels singing it in chorus: you’re not pregnant. Want to know why? Because the back of your throat doesn’t house eggs. Because you took one for the team, put your head down, and let the task at hand finish in your mouth. At the end of the day, you can stand tall and proud knowing that the world will have one less hungry mouth to feed because of your tenacity.

Don’t throw in the towel.

Many a fluffy, monogrammed, high thread count towel have been wrecked and calcified because of the pull out game. They, much like your hair, can’t retain their soft texture after a deluge of love yogurt spills over their fibers. How can you ensure you play your part in saving the lives of these innocent, red-blooded, American drying towels? You guessed it.

Cleaning up is not for closers.

Let’s be honest with each other here, ladies. There’s a reason why your parents employ a maid. They’ve worked hard, put in the energy, time and resources to build a nest, and they feel like cleaning up is a burden better suited for someone who has chosen that profession. The same idea applies here. You spent your resources buying cute clothes, your time getting dolled up, and your energy going out to the bars. You’re a closer who only bangs closers. Neither of you are maids. Respect your efforts, and make it easy on yourself and your man with a simple gulp.

Swallow the warm, gooey truth.

A few healthy squirts of semen contain a veritable cocktail of vitality. Potassium, calcium, zinc, proteins, fructose and amino acids are all a healthy part of a balanced breakfast, and surprisingly, also part of your boy toy’s baby jelly. Time to toss out those those Flintstones vitamins and get with the big leagues.

Slurp away from the herd.

The truth boils down to this: the number of chicks who swallow is on a decline, and swallowers are the distinct minority. How do you separate your self from the 1,000 other girls wearing riding boots, yoga pants, and shacker tees? You do what they won’t. And for once, I’m not talking about anal. You close your eyes and toss that sauce back. This will inadvertently assert your dominance over other girls, as well as your man’s bodily fluid. Besides, chicks who swallow are already 50% of the way to an engagement ring. Give yourself the head start (and finish) that you deserve.

Shake the dice and take the rice, ladies.

Image via Shutterstock

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Corn-fed, southern-bred swamp donkey. Known to go full retard without warning.

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