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An Open Letter From Your Greek Week Chairman

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An Open Letter From Your Greek Week Chairman

Listen up you animals,

This year we’ve been matched up with redacted fraternity and sorority, and I want this to go as smoothly as possible. We will not have a repeat of last year, when you thought it would be hilarious to release wild black squirrels into the other fraternity’s basement and the house mom’s bedroom. Do you know how hard it was to get those damn things out of there? I got bit, personally, no less than ten times by the little fuckers. I wouldn’t have had to do it, except you dumbshits put them in the house with a handwritten letter. Anyway, please keep the pranks to a minimum this year, or at least don’t leave notes tying your heinous acts directly to us. If I get another 2:00am call from a house mom, screaming because she found a rodent in her bed, there will be hell to pay.

Moving on to social policy. This year we’re going to have sober brothers, because last year nobody was there to stop the large, drunk Hulk that was the chapter president. I don’t think I need to explain this to you all. Actually, fuck it, I do…because you all have the self-awareness of a kindergarten class. Throwing yourself headfirst into the wall, then through that wall, then through the kitchen table and into the oven door is not acceptable behavior for a social event. The house director nearly shit himself when he saw how much came out of the budget to fix that mess.

Themes for the week will not have the words “slut,” “sloot,” “slore,” “slampiece” or “bitch I’m trying to fuck” included in the title. Jesus Christ, guys. Girls don’t show up to that shit. Especially when you make them feel like they’re just well-educated prostitutes.

Also, to the thirty of you who keep trying to make “Whores and Dinosaurs” a theme, STOP. It’s never going to happen. How does that even work? Does a single one of you have a reasonable dinosaur costume idea? I need some real theme ideas for this week, so please only suggest things we can do without getting kicked off campus for being overtly sexist and delinquent. I’m not trying to wind up on the evening news giving a press conference about why I gave the okay to a “racist rager” or break up GDI protests in front of the house.

Now, take some time to read this before you go out there and make us look bad. From Saturday forward, I wash my hands of the results of all social events. I’ll be blacked the fuck out. Risk management, this is all on you.

Have fun, fuckers,

The Greek Week Chair

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